Happy 4th of July!

Though I am staying in and not celebrating this year, I will always acknowledge this day. I am proud to be an American and I love my country! This day was always special to me because while my Mom was still alive, we used to go watch the fireworks together. It remains as one of the good memories I have with her... So while I won't be out celebrating this year, for those of you that are, be safe and have fun! Happy 4th of July!

I miss you, Momma...

3 years ago today... I miss you everyday, Momma... :(

Riots, and looting, and violence, OH MY!!

Seriously... What the fuck is wrong with all these savages rioting, looting, and burning buildings to the ground!? All this insanity going on right now has gotten way out of hand! PEACEFUL protests I can understand, but THIS madness!? I don't get at all...

It's time for a change...

This is going to be a bit of a long one so bear with me... Time is quickly approaching on 3 years of my Mom being gone and in that time I have gone through horrible depression. It's been an ongoing thing that never really seems to go away and as such, I have pretty much ceased living any kind of life. I've stopped being an active part of society, I don't really venture out at all except on a rare occasion, I avoid people like the plague, and I barely even talk to anyone anymore. I stick pretty much to myself most of the time and because of that I have plenty of time to think about things. Recently, the wheels in my head have begun to turn... I have been putting a lot of serious thought into what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can continue to sit here and rot day after day or I can put foot to ass and make some much needed overdue changes and try to do something with my life! It honestly brings to mind one of my favorite quotes from Gandalf when he said:

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us..."

He's right... The choice is up to me, no one else is going to fix my life for me! For a long time now I have just felt so uninspired and have had absolutely no energy or motivation to want to do anything with my life. However, I got inspired recently by an actor that I have always liked, his name is Ethan Suplee. I found out that he has been on a diet and working out everyday for quite some time now and has completely transformed his life. He used to weigh 530 lbs at his heaviest but now weighs roughly 220 lbs and is completely jacked! Needless to say, It lit a spark within me! Something I have not felt in a really LONG time. I felt like "Wow.. if he can do it, it might actually be possible to do this!" Lets face it, I'm a big dude.. embarrassingly overweight. I pretty much just gave up on myself and stopped caring... and as such, weight has piled on over the years. You would think that losing BOTH my Mom and Grandpa to congestive heart failure would have been enough to light a fire under my ass to make a change.. but nope! I basically gave up and depression took over...

It's something I have battled for most of my life, it just so happened to get worse when I lost my Mom... I know deep down she wouldn't want to see me like this. She would want me to try to make a change and I know i'm just at the beginning stages.. but I have been thinking about this for awhile now. The _WANT_ to change is most definitely there... and it starts with DIET. I want to figure out a meal plan. I don't really know how to do this.. but I was thinking maybe some kind of health smoothie for breakfast, a salad of some type for lunch, and then maybe do those planned out meals where you prep food for the week and split it up into containers that you warm up everyday. I don't know exactly yet how I am going to do it, but at least I have a game plan! I figure at least wanting to do this and really putting some serious thought into it is a start... and that's a good thing! Once I get the diet part worked out I can then start off by walking a little each day and increase how far I go everyday and hopefully get to a point where I don't feel like I'm gonna keel over anymore! I also want to get a bike so I can get back into riding again! I used to love riding a bike when I was a kid. Having a bike would definitely inspire me to get up off my ass, get outside, and go for a ride!

If I can make all that happen, I want to start lifting weights too. Ethan has REALLY inspired me! So much so that if I can pull all of this off successfully, I have ideas floating around in my head to document my journey on YouTube. I don't have the fancy equipment that most YouTubers have, but I have a cellphone and that would do for now.. EVENTUALLY I want to go all out and really do something with this... tell MY story.. so that maybe I can inspire people the way Ethan has inspired me! This really all ties into my LIFE LONG goal and dream of wanting to own an RV so I can travel and be able to document my journey on YouTube. Much in the same way that Eric Jacobs (Nomadic Fanatic) and Mike O'Connor (Living Free) do. They're the RV guys that I've been watching for YEARS. I have always wanted to do what they do. So maybe with any luck one day all of this will lead to that.

I used to talk to my Mom about my dream of owning an RV and traveling. I told her I always wished that I could take her with me on my travels... but God bless my Mother, she knew it wouldn't happen in her time... She told me: "I tell ya what Son... I may not be able to go with you in this life, but you have me cremated and take me with you when I'm gone... I'll be there with you in spirit!" I tell ya this... I fully intend to do that! I truly feel it in my heart and soul that this is my calling. It's something I NEED to do. I've wanted to ever since I was a little kid. The seed was planted all those many years ago when I used to go to Kickapoo State Park with my Grandpa in his RV. I was fascinated by it and that fascination has never left me! I know I am getting way ahead of myself, I just truly feel that if I can do the things necessary to change my life in a positive way that maybe someday I can make this dream become a reality.. but before any of that can happen, I have to rise up and be the change that I so desperately need in my life!

So that's about it.  I just felt like I would share this with anyone that cares to know what has been going on in my head... I really have Ethan Suplee to thank for lighting this spark within me... He has sparked the ember and now I need to keep it lit by actually doing something rather than just talking about it.  I have a long battle ahead of me, but I'm really hoping that I find the inner strength to make a change! If I may ask... to those of you that pray, please send some prayers my way... I definitely could use all the help I can get. I just hope the big guy upstairs hasn't given up on me yet...

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..."

New Ozzy Album!! Fuck yeah!!

Ozzy's new album "Ordinary Man" has been unleashed to the world today! (Feb. 21st)

I've listened to it in it's entirety several times already and I am in love with it!  I fully believe Ozzy is incapable of releasing bad music.  Everything he does is incredible.  Ozzy has always meant a great deal to me for several reasons.  The obvious of course is because he is the Godfather of metal, a true living legend!  He's just a great musician that makes fantastic music!  Be it from the old days of Black Sabbath or his solo stuff, it's all good.

However, beyond that? He means a lot to me because his music helps keep the memory of my Mother alive... some might ask... "How?" -- It's really quite simple... When my Mom was alive, she too loved Ozzy and quite often we'd listen to his music together.  We'd always talk about the songs we loved and what those songs meant to us... Now that she's gone? SO MANY of his songs remind me of her... and as such.. they bring back wonderful memories for me... He helps keep her memory alive and I am forever thankful to him for that fact.

That said, this new album is wonderful... he knocked it out of the park once again!  So many songs I relate with... I love music that I can relate to, there's just something very powerful about music you can relate with.  Music will always be my favorite part of life... I got my love of music from My Mom and I will continue to have that love of music until the day comes when I take my final breath and join her on the other side...

Goodbye 2019... Hello 2020.

Yet another year comes to a close and another begins... Cheers!

Never forgotten...

It's really hard to believe that it's been 18 years already... I for one have never forgotten!  Sadly, it seems with the way things are now days in this country that many people have!  All I know is that I remember and I always will.

Fuck you!

I just want to send out a FUCK YOU to the following:

01. Muslim terrorists! You camel fuckers can burn in hell!  9/11... NEVER FORGET!!
02. Death... It's claimed most of my family.  Sucks that it comes for us all sooner or later.
03. Mass shooters... you people are a bunch of fucking cowards and deserve to die.
04. People that pretend to be your friend but in actuality don't really give a fuck about you.
05. Fast food workers that don't know how to get a simple order right.
06. Shitty drivers. LEARN HOW TO DRIVE OR GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD!!
07. Keyboard warriors... Seriously, fuck off. You're not cool.
08. Libtards! Yes, I said it. You people are fucking cancerous to America.
09. Feminazi's. You give normal women a bad name!
10. Cancel Culture!  This PC butthurt generation of people make me want to puke!

And last but certainly not least... a special FUCK YOU goes out to the biggest CUNT I have ever known in my lifetime.  Christine Elizabeth Winner (Formally Christine Elizabeth Weiser).  You have proven to be the shittiest human being I have ever known.  Constantly playing the victim, never growing the fuck up, and even after all these years you're still a fucking bitch.  Seriously, FUCK YOU, CUNT!!  I sincerely hope there is a special place in Hell for you.

Pondering life...

Lately I've been kinda stuck in my own head.  Mostly pondering what I am going to do with the rest of the time I have left on this earth.  So much has transpired over the last couple of years.  I turned 40 years old back in October of last year,  most of my family has all passed away, I broke up with my girlfriend of 8 years, I moved out of state and am now living with the only real friend I have left in this world.  She has been a big part of my life for the last 16 years.  She's always been a really good friend and has always been there for me.  I've often wondered over the years what things would be like if we got more serious and became more than just friends.  She has shown interest in wanting to be with me but my biggest problem with that is she isn't exactly my type.  She has very liberal views and is politically correct about everything which is extremely irritating.  She sees the world very differently than I do and all too often it causes conflict between us.  Another huge issue I have with her is that she keeps her hair short.  I realize it's her hair and she has a right to keep it the way she wants to but short hair has always been a huge turn off for me.  As if that wasn't bad enough, she also doesn't shave where most girls shave... which is another massive turn off.  I guess i'm just old fashioned... I like femininity!  Soft smooth skin, and long flowing hair are a big time turn on!  Those things aside, she has always been really good to me, she cares about me a lot and sees past my flaws.  No female I've ever dated genuinely cared about me or accepted me the way that she does.  I can say that I definitely do have feelings for her, I just don't know how to proceed.  I'm not really ready to date again.  I just got out of an 8 year long relationship not that long ago.  I kind of want some time to try to find myself again.  I've been so fucked up over the years for so long that I lost myself somewhere along the way.  It would just be nice to get my life back on track before jumping into another relationship again.

I wish I could hit pause for awhile and just have a little time to focus on me for a change.  I've never been selfish, I always put so much of myself into the relationships I've been in, but I always put myself last... In a lot of ways I don't even know how to be me without being weighed down in a relationship.  Most people would say "Bro, just be single for awhile then!".  Well.. it's not that easy.  My friend that I live with pressures me on a daily basis to date her.. and i'm just really not ready for a commitment right now. I really just wish I could get rid of everything I own, buy an RV, and hit the road.. just disappear for awhile.. be out on the open road with just myself and my thoughts... live for awhile on my own, travel, see the countryside, and just breathe in life for awhile... Living in an RV is really all I have wanted for most of my life.. it started at a very young age for me... My Grandpa had an old 1977 Winnebago that I fell in love with as a kid and that planted the seed for me... over the years I have always been drawn to the RV life.. I like the idea of having a home on wheels that I can go anywhere at any time and not be stuck in one place.  I've always had wanderlust within me, but never had the finances to make it happen!  That's why I'm always stuck in one place and not out there living my dreams!  It's frustrating to say the least.  Lack of money... that's pretty much always been a recurring problem for me throughout my life.  It always holds me back from doing what I really want or having the hobbies I am passionate about.  It just sucks.

So yeah.. Just venting a little to get this shit off my chest... I have no one I can really confide in anymore since my Mom died 2 years ago... she was my confidant.. my best friend.. the one I could talk to about anything.  She never judged me, put me down, or made me feel bad.  She always knew exactly what to say... always had the best advice and always knew how to make me feel better... I miss her dearly... more than words even begin to express... Losing her has really changed me... I don't even look at life the same way anymore.  I have a very negative outlook on things these days... I just wish I could talk to her again, hug her one more time, tell her I love her, and thank her for everything she ever did for me.  Her absence in my life has left a massive hole... that's just another reason why I'm so fucked up anymore.  But it is what it is... life goes on, whether I like it or not.  I just wish I had some insight for what I should do with whatever time I have left in this world.   I want to get my shit together and try to enjoy life again... It's been too long since I could say I enjoyed life.  I've been in the dark for far too long.  Hopefully the day will come where I can find the light once again... here's to wishful thinking!

Another relationship bites the dust...

A few weeks ago my girlfriend of 8 years and I decided to finally part ways.  Our relationship had been dead in the water for a few years anyway so it's not like I didn't see this coming.  We really grew apart in the last 4 years of our relationship anyway... She was always so distant, cut me off from sex, never wanted to spend time with me or do anything as a couple.  It resorted to her staring at her laptop and me staring at mine.. even when we were together in the same room there was rarely any conversation.  It was like living with a roommate, not a significant other... I honestly think we drug it out as long as we did because neither of us knew how to walk away... You get comfortable with someone after so long and it just becomes routine.   So yeah, she moved in with another guy and I moved out of state.  I'm trying to start over and just move on with life.  I wished her the best, for once I didn't have a nasty break up.  So that's something... my previous relationships all ended terribly... was nice for a change that this one didn't.. it just kind of fizzled out.  For now, i'm just gonna try to work on me for awhile and get my life back to some form of normal if that's possible.  So here's to looking forward to the future and whatever it may bring!

My biggest dream in life...

For as far back as I can remember, my biggest dream in life has always been to own an RV and live free out on the open road being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want!  The thought of always having my home with me no matter where I go has always been very appealing to me.  I hate being stuck in the same place... I've always had a massive wanderlust and have never been able to fulfill it.  Lack of funds has always been the thing that holds me back.  It's quite literally the only reason I am not out on the road right now in an RV living the life I have always wanted.  I have watched videos of people that live in their RV's on YouTube for years... two guys in particular:

• Mike O'Connor - (Living Free)
• https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Yl9NlOsgfUR6jkKfTAgBQ/featured

• Eric Jacobs - (Nomadic Fanatic)
• https://www.youtube.com/user/nomadicfanatic

Watching their videos has sparked a fire in me that just makes me want to live this life even more.  I would love to do what they do... They document their travels, where they go, places they visit, their day to day lives, and things like that.  The best part is that they get paid by YouTube to do it!  So they make their living online!  I could die a happy man being able to do what they do!  I am envious of both of those guys because they're out there literally living my dream life.

I just wish I knew how they did it... You can't just go out and buy an RV, start up a YouTube channel, and instantly be making enough to support yourself out on the road.  You need TONS of subscribers and people to watch your videos constantly to bring in the kind of money for that... and I don't have the knowledge of how to make that work or the funds to make it happen... This is one of the main reasons I am so depressed in life... How many people in this world ACTUALLY know what they want in life...?  I DO, but I can't make it happen... It just bums me the fuck out.

But... it doesn't change the fact that this is the life I want... I know damn well it's my calling.  I feel it within me.  I know this is the path I am supposed to go down, I just quite literally have no earthly idea on how to ever make it happen!  RV's are NOT cheap... and generally speaking unless you get a used piece of shit with a ton of problems, you have to buy new.. and even then you need amazing credit to lease one... which I do NOT have... so the likeliness of this ever becoming a reality for me is slim to none.

I day-dream about living this life... I imagine just how amazing it would be to go buy an RV, stock it up, and hit the road... never looking back!  To be out on the open road, going places... seeing new things.. experiencing what life has to offer... the freedom that would come along with living that lifestyle.  For me? It's all about NATURE.  I love trees... I have ever since I was a little boy.  Some of my earliest memories are of trees.. just climbing them, loving being around them, and just how much I appreciated them in general.  That love for trees has only grown over time the older I've become.  Trees calm and soothe me.. just being around them relaxes me.. It's a feeling I've never really been able to fully explain to anyone.  I just get a feeling of being "home" when I am around them.

So yeah.. being able to have an RV and park it in a wooded area, having a campfire and just sitting out at night by the fire.. listening to it crackle and pop.. listening to the sounds of the night, and being around all those trees.. that is what Heaven on Earth is to me!  I think of how amazing it would be to just sit out at night under the stars... being AWAY from society and all the bullshit in life... feeling that calm.. that serene feeling... it would be incredible!  To sit out at night like that, then be able to go into my RV and relax before heading to bed.  Then waking up the next day.. making some coffee and sitting outside in the early morning listening to LIFE around me.. birds chirping, enjoying that cool crisp morning air... and sipping my coffee... starting my day like that everyday?  That is BLISS as far as I am concerned.

I used to talk to my Mom about how much I wanted this life.. hell, I even wanted to get an RV for her too! I would have happily taken her on the road with me... but God bless my Mother.. she knew it wouldn't happen in her time... one thing she said to me sticks with me though... she told me "I may not be able to go with you in this life, but you can always have me cremated and take me with you when i'm gone..." -- I did have her cremated when she died... and now more than ever, I want an RV so I can take her with me wherever I go... ONE DAY, MOMMA... ONE DAY!!  I haven't given up hope.  I just hope before I die... I can make this dream a reality.  Most people want a huge house, the white picket fence, and all that jazz... me? I just want an RV to call home.  Here's to wishful thinking that some miracle happens to where I can actually make this happen!