Time to vent. It's been awhile...

As the title suggests, It's time to vent. It's been awhile... So where do I even begin? My thoughts have been all over the place for such a long time now. I keep everything on the inside because I know most people don't care, and I simply have no one to talk to anymore. I live a very isolated life alone, most of my family is dead and gone, people that I thought were once my friends have all fallen to the wayside, I haven't dated in almost 10 years, and it's really just me and my thoughts. As such, I decided when I made this blog that I would use it to vent so I could get my inner thoughts out and have a place to unload all my shit. That said, I've just been having a really rough go of things lately. Between all the health issues, dealing with most of my family being dead and gone, my financial problems, wanting a life I can never have, and wishing things would one day get better but knowing deep down it never will. I've felt hopeless for a long time. I tried religion off and on ALL my life and I'll be 48 on the 18th of this month so that's quite a long time. I've just never been good at having blind faith and basically that's what you have to have to be all in with religion. I've prayed to God so many times throughout my life in hopes that he could help me... but all I've ever got is dead silence in responce which really makes it hard to have faith. On one hand.. I know I just have to believe and be all in.. but on the other hand.. I struggle with that concept. I've always been the type of person that "needs proof". I can't help it.. it's just the way my brain works. As such.. I ALWAYS struggle where God is concerned because there is no proof.. there is no God talking or showing me he's real.. you just have to believe... It's something I have battled all my life and I am close to giving up. My faith is hanging on by a thread. I wish I didn't need proof. I wish my faith was stronger.. but it just isn't. Do I believe at the end of the day? I do... but at the same time.. I STILL want PROOF... and I don't know how to get past that.

I think a lot of my problem is that I watch a lot of sermons online.. or just random Christian people telling their stories... how God talks to them.. how if you ask for God to reveal himself.. he will... ask and God will provide.... yeah well.. HE DOESN'T. At least not with me... so I'm left wondering.. does he not give a shit about me? Has he given up on me? I can never get clarity in this situation and it causes me a lot of stress. I've been "all in" many times throughout my life.. but then something happens and I push it all away.. my walls go up.. and I walk away from it. Something always rocks my faith and makes me turn away.. and I HATE that! I don't know how religion comes so easy to some people but others (like me) struggle with it all our lives. I remember when my Grandma was still alive and we'd sit and talk for hours on this very topic.. she'd always call me a "Doubting Thomas" and that I just have to believe... but see.. I don't know how to. My brain ALWAYS tells me that I need some kind of proof. It's hard for me to have blind faith... it always has been. I've asked God so many times to give me the ability to just believe WITHOUT seeking proof... but as with everything I ask God... it goes unanswered or ignored completely... So yeah.. that's my issue with Faith. I don't know if I'll ever make peace with my creator before it's my time to leave this world... which raises another question entirely... am I going to Hell? Most religious people would say yes.. and maybe I am. Maybe that's exactly why God ignores me and never answers my prayers.. he has probably given up on me.. and in some ways I guess I don't really blame him. I've been back and forth so many damn times... it's just excausting. I just wish God would reveal himself to me and help strengthen my faith.. but for whatever reason he simply won't. So it is what it is.

I also have so many health problems now that I can't work. I can't hold down a job. I don't have any kind of income which causes me to be stuck in life. I can't ever better my situation because I have no income to do so! I've beat my head against the same wall for so long trying to figure out a way to better my situation, I just don't know how to fix things. I tried for SSDI a few times over the years but always got rejected so I finally gave up. I wish I could get it because it would do me a world of good. Even just having a few hundred bucks every month would help make my life more bearable... but wish in one hand, shit in the other... guess which gets filled first? So yeah.. I don't really know what's worse.. being able to work and working non-stop and having money to do things, but never having the time to do them... OR not being able to work, thus having all the time in the world to do things but having no money to do anything! I guess both are pretty shitty... all I know is I'm tired of being broke. There is so much I still want to do in life before I die... but at this point I really have no idea how to change things. I've prayed for a miracle... but the miracle never comes. So I'm really just at a point where I don't know what to do anymore. Combine that with missing my dead family members, not having any quality of life, and just existing day after day... I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.. but I also know that won't help a damn thing. So where am I..? Talking to myself on a damn blog venting thinking that something will actually change when I know that it won't. Being broke is a huge part of the depression I have. I always hear rich people saying "money can't buy happiness". Funny how it's always the wealthy that say that crap... meanwhile broke people like me DAYDREAM of having money just to better their situation in life... ya know maybe money doesn't buy happiness, but I tell ya what.. it sure as hell helps make life easier THUS making you happier because you're not having to struggle all the time!

Anyway... other things going on in my life... I miss my family... Grandpa was the first to go, he died in 2015. Mom was next to go, she died in 2017... and Grandma was the last to go... passing just 5 months after my Mom in the same year (2017)... Those are the 3 people that raised me... I never had a big family to begin with so them being gone takes out most of my family. All I have left now is my Brother, Daughter, Uncle, and Cousin. The one positive is that my Brother and I talk regularly on the phone.. after Mom died we got closer than ever. I'm VERY thankful for that. He calls me generally once a week and we talk for hours on end. It's nice. It's one of the few good things in my life. He helps keep me going... We talk about everything. What's going on in his life, reminiscing about the past, debating on random topics, and doing our "lists" that we always do. It's one of the few positives I still have in my life. I love him more than my own life. My Daughter and I talk once in awhile on the phone, we reconnected after 18 years of being out of touch thanks to her Mother... but I am thankful we were able to re-connect and though we live far apart from one another, I'm still thankful that I have her in my life even if it's from a distance. My Cousin and I don't talk very often. We live very different lives. We used to be super close when we were kids, but we kinda drifted apart. I'll always love her though. My Uncle... what a mess. I don't think I'll even get into all that... let's just say him and I don't talk anymore... and last I heard he wasn't doing well either.. I don't even know if he's still alive or not. Despite our differences... I still love him. I hope he's alright.. but who really knows. Family just isn't what it used to be anymore... once Mom Grandma and Grandpa passed... the rest of the family just sort of fell apart. I miss family get togethers... I miss just sitting around the kitchen table having a meal together.. laughing together.. just enjoying each others company... I miss holidays with them... I don't even celebrate holidays anymore... same with my Birthday that's coming up on the 18th of this month.. literally 6 days away.. I'll be 48.. but it's just another day. My Mother was the only one that ever really made sure I had a Birthday every year... she used to call me at midnight on the 18th and wish me a Happy Birthday... what I wouldn't give to have that phonecall just one more time...

You never truly realize just how good you had it until those special moments are gone... Most of who I used to be honestly died the day my Mother passed (June 18th 2017). She was the light of my life.. my best friend.. the bond her and I shared was unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I only got 38 years with her... it just wasn't enough. I get that some people get even less.. so I'm thankful for the time I had.. but it wasn't enough. She had just turned 59 when she passed... too young if you ask me... but hey.. I'll be lucky to live even that long. I inherited the heart problems she and my Grandpa both died from.. I'm on so many heart medications now that I'm basically a walking pharmacist... Just like my Mom was for the last 15 years of her life. Like Mom like Son eh? Gotta love genetics... but hey, we all deal with something! It's just hard to remember a time where things were good in life.. it was a lifetime ago! I romanticize the past... but then MOST of my good memories were back in the 80's and 90's. Life really does go by so fucking fast... I constantly think back to when I was younger and I vividly remember being a kid.. and then one day you blink and you wake up and you're almost 48! It goes by in the blink of an eye... and one day I'll be gone. I feel like that day is coming sooner than later... which sucks because I'm afraid of death. It REALLY sucks to be afraid of the one thing that's inevitable.. but hey.. we're all afraid of something!

I guess I don't really have much more to vent about... I just wish I was better off in life. I still dream of being able to own an RV and travel to places I want to go to.. be able to go visit my Daughter and Brother.. go to places that I used to love when I was kid.. and just be out on the open road. That was always my ultimate goal in life.. but life has become so expensive now.. where a 65 thousand dollar RV now costs around 120 thousand dollars. It was out of my pricerange years ago.. but now it's unobtainable... I'll never be rich. Hell, I'll never even be well off. Such is life... not everyone gets to live the life they want. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway... I have cataracts and I've been losing my vision now for quite some time... I can't afford surgery for that.. so one day I won't even be able to see anything anyway. Ya know.. it's funny, I always see shit online saying seize the day! Make life what you want it to be! Maybe some people are able to do that.. but I wasn't able to do that. When you can't work and have no income... that makes everything damn near impossible to achieve. So it basically boils down to lack of income, health problems, depression, and not being able to have better faith... these are the biggest issues I face in life. I'm not sure I'll ever find a way out of these issues... maybe I won't. Maybe I just need to accept things as they are and just wait around to join my family on the other side. That's basically what I've done the last few years anyway. I'm just going through the motions until it's my time to leave this world. May not be the best way to do things... but it's about the only thing I CAN do these days. Can you tell I'm a fucking mess..? At least I own it and admit it. Most people hide behind lies anymore. The world has become such a fucked up place... all I ever see online anymore is negativity, hate, mental illness, division, people doing (and celebrating) evil things... it's all become so tiresome. My Brother tells me to get offline and stop reading all the shit I see on social media... I know he's right... but it's not like I have anything better to do with my time anymore. The internet has basically become my only link to the outside world. Which is another problem... Well... I think I've vented enough. I don't know how successful I was at getting all this shit out.. but at least I tried. Until next time... I'm out.

32 years of being a KoRn fan!

32 years ago to the day KoRn released their self titled album and forever changed the course of my entire life. It really boggles my mind when I stop and think about just how much has happened to me in my life because of KoRn. They've not only been my therapy for over three decades but they've also been the soundtrack to my life. They've helped get me through so many ups and downs, even getting me through the darkest time of my life. The amount of gratitude, love, and appreciation I have for KoRn is almost immeasurable. I think back to 1994 when I first heard "Blind" on MTV in the early morning hours and hearing that ride cymbal and the slow build up until the explosive moment when Jonathan Davis belted out the words: "ARE.. YOU.. READY!?" The answer was HELL YES, I'm ready! From that moment on I've been a die hard KoRn fan and here we are 32 years later and I love them just as much as I always have. KoRn really has changed my life. All I can say is THANK YOU, KoRn.. It's been one hell of a ride!

Hello, October!

My favorite month of the year is here again. Welcome back, October! While I don't get out much anymore to enjoy the beautiful Fall colors of the trees, I will always love this time of year. Fall has always been my favorite season. It's just perfect in my opinion. I miss getting together with my late Mother when we'd go to our favorite spot out at Lake of the Woods in Mahomet IL. We both had a favorite tree there that we'd visit every Fall and just sit and talk together... I miss those times with my Mom... I don't really get out much anymore. I sort of lost the spark to do much of anything and became a home body as a result. Despite that? I will always love this time of year, it's always been special to me. There's just something about Fall that really speaks to me. The weather cools off and if you're lucky to be out among the trees in a wooded area, there's a wonderful smell in the air that only happens during the Fall season. I just love everything about it... I do miss getting out into nature but that's basically a thing of the past for me. I'm getting old and I have a lot of health issues so I just don't venture out like I used to. I still have my wonderful memories though.. I'll always treasure those. Anyway, I'm rambling. I just wanted to welcome my favorite month of the year. I honestly wish it could just be October all year round. That would be amazing!

Rest in peace, Peter Cullen...

Another huge part of my childhood is gone... the very voice of my childhood. This one really hurts... Peter Cullen (The voice of Optimus Prime) passed away. Peter is one of the few celebrities that I always hoped that I could meet one day just to shake his hand and simply say thank you for the wonderful memories and helping to make my childhood awesome. He voiced one of the first characters I ever latched onto as a kid. Optimus Prime was more then just a cartoon character.. he gave a lot of us kids hope back in those days... someone to look up to. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried when I first read the news.. it hurts... it still does. Him dying is like the last part of my childhood being taken away. All I can say is that I'm glad I grew up with his iconic voice... he blessed all of us Transformers fans with his words and he'll NEVER be forgotten. I'm really going to miss him...

Rest in peace, Peter...

Happy 250th Birthday, America!

Thanks to our Founding Fathers for having the courage to break away from tyranny and to the brave men and women of the armed forces over all these years for keeping this great nation safe and protected, we get to celebrate today. Happy 250th Birthday, America!

I miss you, Momma...

Another year has passed... making today 9 years that you've been gone, Momma. I can't believe it's almost been a decade since you left this world. It just doesn't seem real to me... It never has. Sadly, the fact remains that it is very real and it's never gotten any easier to deal with. I've accepted that it probably never will. I don't think it's ever really supposed to. You being gone has left such a massive void in my life... I know I say it every year on this day, but I miss you.. I wish you were still here. I would honestly give anything just to have a 5 minute conversation with you.. if for nothing more than to simply hear your voice again and to be able to laugh with you like we always used to. We were always in our own little world when we talked and I miss that more than you'll ever know... I miss my Mom, my best friend, and my other half. It was always you, Momma. It's no wonder I'm so screwed up these days. Half of me died the day you did. I just try to keep on keeping on because I know in my heart that's what you'd want me to do. There is so much more I could say but I think I'll end this here. I hope you know that you are loved, remembered, and sorely missed... Rest easy, Momma... I love you always... ❤️

Here's my song to you. I've listened to it every year on this day since you've been gone.

Happy Birthday, Momma...

Today was always a special day for not just you, but for me as well. I loved this day because it was the day you were brought into this world back in 1958. 20 years later you became my Mother and my best friend... While I don't always see eye to eye with our creator, I will ALWAYS be thankful to him for giving me the best Mom any Son could have ever asked for. My prayer for the day is that you're up there in Heaven with Grandma, Pappaw, and your twin girls celebrating this wonderful day together.

Happy Birthday, Momma... I love and miss you always... ❤️

Happy Mother's Day, Momma...

Today marks the 9th Mother's Day I've had to celebrate without you and it never gets any easier... It still hurts just as much as the 1st Mother's day I had to go through without you. This was always a day I looked forward to because it was special to me just as much as it was to you. First and foremost, you chose me and gave me life... You were the first love I ever knew in this world. You were always there for me through the good and the bad times... You were my voice of reason, my comfort, my safe place, my rock, and the person that kept me going in this screwed up world... We formed a special bond from day one and we had that bond up until your dying day... That was the worst day of my life and a huge part of me died right along with you... You were always my other half, Momma... it was ALWAYS you. I've cried an ocean of tears from the pain of you being gone... I know I'll never get over you being gone. I can't. It's just something I'm not capable of doing. I miss you more than you will ever know... I miss my best friend... I miss our talks and the time we got to spend together. I only got 38 years with you and it just wasn't enough. I know even if we had been lucky enough to get more time together, I still never would have been ready to lose you. I hate death... I always have. It breaks my heart that everything good in this life eventually goes away one way or another. I wish there was a way I could hug you one more time... that would do me a WORLD of good just to feel your love one more time because I'm lost without you, Momma... I just am. I pretend that I'm ok but I never really am. I've never been the same since you died... Billy Bob Thornton said this about losing a loved one: "There is a melancholy inside me that never goes away. I'm 50% happy and 50% sad at any given moment." and that is exactly how it is... that's grief. It comes in waves... Some days I manage to be alright, other days I'm drowning... much like today. I just want to say thank you for everything you ever did for me... I will never be able to thank you enough and even though today is no longer a happy day for me... It still means the world to me. I will continue to honor you and celebrate every year that I have left on this earth... Happy Mother's Day, Momma... I love you. ❤️

Happy Birthday to me...

Well... today is my Birthday. My old ass is 47 now! It kind of sucks that I have to spend the day alone but It is what it is. At the end of the day, I'm thankful that I'm still here. With all the heart issues I've been having I think it's a gift all in itself to say that I made another trip around the sun. I think I'm gonna spend the day playing World of Warcraft. Special thanks to my Brother for hooking me up with the new WoW expansion! Love you, dude!

Thank you, Charlie... RIP

I'm currently watching the Charlie Kirk Memorial and I have been touched by the worship songs so much so that I am rededicating my life to The Lord Jesus Christ. It's time I go all in and stop riding the fence. I have always believed in God but I have struggled all my life where religion is concerned. I've gone back and forth so many times now that I've lost count at this point. I remember talking to both my Mom and Grandma when they were still alive about this and they said I can't be on the fence... I'm either all in or I'm all out. Well, today I am choosing to be all in! I'm far from perfect, but I love Jesus and I believe in him. I am choosing to trust in him and live my life the way he wants me to.

From this day forward I am going to try my best to live the life God wants me to live. After what I saw online from the far left mocking, laughing, and celebrating Charlie Kirk's murder, I finally realized evil is very real and it's not hiding anymore... It's right out there for all to see. It's not even about left vs right, it's about good vs evil! We are absolutely living in the end times and I chose to be on the right side of things. I chose the side of good! I just want to close by saying thank you to Charlie Kirk for inspiring me and renewing my faith... You lead the way, Charlie... Rest forever in the arms of our Lord Jesus Christ and say hi to my Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa up there in Heaven... I pray with all of my being that I am able to join them when it's my time.

RIP Ryno...

I woke up this morning to find out yet another favorite of mine has passed away... Ryne Sandberg was always my favorite baseball player and he passed away last night. What is going on? This week has been AWFUL for celebrities that I always looked up to. First we had Ozzy.. 2 days later we had Hulk Hogan.. now 5 days after that we have Ryne Sandberg... This week has SUCKED! I'm so tired of death... Rest easy, Ryno... Thanks for the memories!