Lately I've been kinda stuck in my own head. Mostly pondering what I am going to do with the rest of the time I have left on this earth. So much has transpired over the last couple of years. I turned 40 years old back in October of last year, most of my family has all passed away, I broke up with my girlfriend of 8 years, I moved out of state and am now living with the only real friend I have left in this world. She has been a big part of my life for the last 16 years. She's always been a really good friend and has always been there for me. I've often wondered over the years what things would be like if we got more serious and became more than just friends. She has shown interest in wanting to be with me but my biggest problem with that is she isn't exactly my type. She has very liberal views and is politically correct about everything which is extremely irritating. She sees the world very differently than I do and all too often it causes conflict between us. Another huge issue I have with her is that she keeps her hair short. I realize it's her hair and she has a right to keep it the way she wants to but short hair has always been a huge turn off for me. As if that wasn't bad enough, she also doesn't shave where most girls shave... which is another massive turn off. I guess i'm just old fashioned... I like femininity! Soft smooth skin, and long flowing hair are a big time turn on! Those things aside, she has always been really good to me, she cares about me a lot and sees past my flaws. No female I've ever dated genuinely cared about me or accepted me the way that she does. I can say that I definitely do have feelings for her, I just don't know how to proceed. I'm not really ready to date again. I just got out of an 8 year long relationship not that long ago. I kind of want some time to try to find myself again. I've been so fucked up over the years for so long that I lost myself somewhere along the way. It would just be nice to get my life back on track before jumping into another relationship again.
I wish I could hit pause for awhile and just have a little time to focus on me for a change. I've never been selfish, I always put so much of myself into the relationships I've been in, but I always put myself last... In a lot of ways I don't even know how to be me without being weighed down in a relationship. Most people would say "Bro, just be single for awhile then!". Well.. it's not that easy. My friend that I live with pressures me on a daily basis to date her.. and i'm just really not ready for a commitment right now. I really just wish I could get rid of everything I own, buy an RV, and hit the road.. just disappear for awhile.. be out on the open road with just myself and my thoughts... live for awhile on my own, travel, see the countryside, and just breathe in life for awhile... Living in an RV is really all I have wanted for most of my life.. it started at a very young age for me... My Grandpa had an old 1977 Winnebago that I fell in love with as a kid and that planted the seed for me... over the years I have always been drawn to the RV life.. I like the idea of having a home on wheels that I can go anywhere at any time and not be stuck in one place. I've always had wanderlust within me, but never had the finances to make it happen! That's why I'm always stuck in one place and not out there living my dreams! It's frustrating to say the least. Lack of money... that's pretty much always been a recurring problem for me throughout my life. It always holds me back from doing what I really want or having the hobbies I am passionate about. It just sucks.
So yeah.. Just venting a little to get this shit off my chest... I have no one I can really confide in anymore since my Mom died 2 years ago... she was my confidant.. my best friend.. the one I could talk to about anything. She never judged me, put me down, or made me feel bad. She always knew exactly what to say... always had the best advice and always knew how to make me feel better... I miss her dearly... more than words even begin to express... Losing her has really changed me... I don't even look at life the same way anymore. I have a very negative outlook on things these days... I just wish I could talk to her again, hug her one more time, tell her I love her, and thank her for everything she ever did for me. Her absence in my life has left a massive hole... that's just another reason why I'm so fucked up anymore. But it is what it is... life goes on, whether I like it or not. I just wish I had some insight for what I should do with whatever time I have left in this world. I want to get my shit together and try to enjoy life again... It's been too long since I could say I enjoyed life. I've been in the dark for far too long. Hopefully the day will come where I can find the light once again... here's to wishful thinking!
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