I miss the old days...

Well, it's definitely been awhile since I last made a post on here. I've just been in kind of a slump and haven't really felt like doing much of anything. China shitting all over the world with the covid-19 shit really put a damper on everyone's life... things have just seemed to keep getting worse.  Covid-19 happened, riots broke out all over America, people started losing their minds over all things Republican, and now Democrats are in charge of America and mental illness is running rampant!  Everything is about race, transgenders, the left vs. the right... Freedom of speech is literally being taken away as I write this... People aren't allowed to think, feel, or have an opinion about ANYTHING anymore... Everyone gets butthurt and offended SO FUCKING EASILY!! I cannot believe the way things are now... I feel like i'm trapped in an never ending episode of The Twilight Zone... It's crazy... it truly is!

I don't know what the fuck has happened with everyone and everything... It's so hard to find positivity and good in this world.  My Mom was really the last good thing I ever had in my life... and going on these almost 4 years without her has been difficult to say the least... I miss her so much... I'm NOT glad that she's gone by ANY means, but I am glad that she doesn't have to see just how ugly the world has become... I might be biased because she was my Mother, but I feel she was too good of a person to exist in the way things are now... she was truly one of the most wonderful people I was ever lucky enough to know... and I got to call her Mom. I miss my times with her... I miss how we'd go to Dunkin Donuts and get our large caramel mocha iced coffees (with light ice!) and we'd normally go drive to a park and just sit and talk for hours... we'd vent to one another, reminisce about the past, and we were just able to be OURSELVES... It was a gift that I look back on very fondly... My Mom is definitely the one thing I miss most about the way life used to be...

Not only that but going back even further... before the days my Grandma died as well and BEFORE she had Alzheimer's... I miss family dinners.. sitting around the table with my family... just treasuring the time I got with them... Even back then I knew it wouldn't last forever... I think that's why I used to just look around the table at them and take them all in.. It just saddens me that most of them are now all dead and gone.. I don't really have family anymore... and family was always such a huge part of my life... My Mom is gone, my Grandma is gone, my Grandpa is gone, my Aunt is gone, and my Uncle is dying of cancer as we speak... All that's left is my Brother that I never see or rarely talk to, my Cousin.. same deal with her.. don't really talk to or see... and my Daughter that I haven't seen since before she was 2 years old... We at least have talked on the phone a few times and once in awhile drop each other a text.. but even then.. it's not very often... I just feel really alone anymore.

It really sucks how things have turned out... Family was everything to me and now it's pretty much non-existent.  It sucks that that's the way life goes... everyone gets older.. and we all start dying.. one by one... I've tried to make sense of all that for years now and it never really makes sense to me why life has to be so temporary.  If you're religious, you believe that you get to go to Heaven one day if you're good enough in the eyes of God... but no one really knows what comes next when life is over... if anything at all. Life is a big mystery.  I try to follow religious morals and what not.. but I've struggled with that for so much of my life... Not sure I'll ever get right with God before it's my time to join my family on the other side... I'd love to think that Heaven is real and I get to see my family again one day... but who really knows!

Anyway.. Life is pretty repetitive anymore.. Can't really do shit because of the Covid-19 shit... that, and we seem to keep losing our freedoms one by one... so it's hard to really see a point to any of this... I sometimes wonder why I keep going on in this life... it's all such a hard struggle.. and the worst part is.. not a damn one of us make it out alive anyway... family, friends, acquaintances, significant others.. they all eventually fade away sooner or later.. be it by choice or death.  It's a massive bummer when I really stop and think about it.  I've got to a point in life where I'm tired of losing people.. I think that's a big reason I have been single for a few years now.. I'm tired of getting close to people.  In my experience when it comes to dating.. one person ALWAYS falls out of love with the other, they then cheat and arguments seem to become a daily thing.. I've gone through it too many times in my life and I just can't be bothered with all that stress and drama anymore.

When I was younger I believed in love.. I even said it was the most important thing there was in life.. but here I am well into my 40's now and I just don't feel the same way about it anymore.  The people you love always leave... As far as significant others go.. it's always the same thing.. things are good for awhile, then they find someone else, the cheating happens, the fights happen, then the eventual end happens... and you're left with nothing to show for those years lost.  With family and loved ones... they die on you one by one... I really feel love is pain... it's not joy... in the end it's just painful memories. At least that's the way it's been in my experience.

I dunno, life has a way of changing you.. and as far as I can tell, it's NOT always for the better.  I get that we all have to go through shit, I get that people leave and people die... but IT FUCKING SUCKS!! I'm not ok with it.. I never have been and I never will be.  I find myself saying "I miss the old days" so very often... I think back to when I was a kid... you have your innocence, your hopes and dreams, and the things in life you aspire to do... but then you get a little older.. your heart gets ripped out and stomped on, life doesn't turn out the way you had hoped it would and your left feeling really fucking tired of the way things have gone.. It's just hard to find something that gives you hope to keep on keeping on.  Again, this is just my experience. I can't speak for everyone.. but I do know there are many people out there in this world that feel the same way I do.

I realize that in the end, you have to find a way to ignite the fire inside yourself because NO ONE ELSE is going to do it for you and I think that's the core of my problems.  I have searched within myself trying to find a way to re-light the spark I once had for life... Everyone I've ever loved has left me in one way or another and all that's left is me and my thoughts... I still have a few dreams i'd love to make happen but LACK OF MONEY holds me back from bringing those dreams to life... LIFE gets in the way and unless you're lucky enough to be RICH... it's not always easy to make dreams happen.  I've always wanted to get an RV and live in it.. be able to travel and go wherever I want, whenever I want... start a YouTube channel and document my day to day life for anyone that would be interested to watch it... even if I only had a few people, I think that would inspire me.. but again.. lack of money to make it happen.  That has always been my downfall... 

It's weird.. one of my ex girlfriends told me that money is the most important thing in this life... I always said LOVE was... all these years later, I think she very well may have been right... without money? You really can't do shit in this life.  Love fades... love dies... and love always goes away sooner or later, even if you don't want it to.  I feel like in some ways being a hopeless romantic has ruined my life.  I wasted SO MANY YEARS on the wrong women... women that just ended up making me feel less than... and It's had a psychologic effect on me that doesn't do me any favors... I can say now as a single man, things are less stressful to a degree, but still finding my own inner strength to make things happen for me is a constant problem for me.  I hope one day I can find a way to make things happen... Anyway, I just kinda felt like venting in a way... I just miss so much from my younger days... I remember talking to my Mom when we'd get together and I'd listen to her stories from her youth.. seeing her face light up.. she'd come alive... and I always loved seeing that happiness on her face... but it would always fade after she'd be done telling the story.... all these years later.. I GET IT!! I totally understand... I think for the most part life is just better when you're younger.. sure you have hardships as a kid.. (I know I sure as hell did!) but... overall? Life is just simpler.. and almost magical in a way. I'll always and forever miss the old days... 

Happy 4th of July!

Though I am staying in and not celebrating this year, I will always acknowledge this day. I am proud to be an American and I love my country! This day was always special to me because while my Mom was still alive, we used to go watch the fireworks together. It remains as one of the good memories I have with her... So while I won't be out celebrating this year, for those of you that are, be safe and have fun! Happy 4th of July!

I miss you, Momma...

3 years ago today... I miss you everyday, Momma... :(

Riots, and looting, and violence, OH MY!!

Seriously... What the fuck is wrong with all these savages rioting, looting, and burning buildings to the ground!? All this insanity going on right now has gotten way out of hand! PEACEFUL protests I can understand, but THIS madness!? I don't get at all...

It's time for a change...

This is going to be a bit of a long one so bear with me... Time is quickly approaching on 3 years of my Mom being gone and in that time I have gone through horrible depression. It's been an ongoing thing that never really seems to go away and as such, I have pretty much ceased living any kind of life. I've stopped being an active part of society, I don't really venture out at all except on a rare occasion, I avoid people like the plague, and I barely even talk to anyone anymore. I stick pretty much to myself most of the time and because of that I have plenty of time to think about things. Recently, the wheels in my head have begun to turn... I have been putting a lot of serious thought into what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can continue to sit here and rot day after day or I can put foot to ass and make some much needed overdue changes and try to do something with my life! It honestly brings to mind one of my favorite quotes from Gandalf when he said:

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us..."

He's right... The choice is up to me, no one else is going to fix my life for me! For a long time now I have just felt so uninspired and have had absolutely no energy or motivation to want to do anything with my life. However, I got inspired recently by an actor that I have always liked, his name is Ethan Suplee. I found out that he has been on a diet and working out everyday for quite some time now and has completely transformed his life. He used to weigh 530 lbs at his heaviest but now weighs roughly 220 lbs and is completely jacked! Needless to say, It lit a spark within me! Something I have not felt in a really LONG time. I felt like "Wow.. if he can do it, it might actually be possible to do this!" Lets face it, I'm a big dude.. embarrassingly overweight. I pretty much just gave up on myself and stopped caring... and as such, weight has piled on over the years. You would think that losing BOTH my Mom and Grandpa to congestive heart failure would have been enough to light a fire under my ass to make a change.. but nope! I basically gave up and depression took over...

It's something I have battled for most of my life, it just so happened to get worse when I lost my Mom... I know deep down she wouldn't want to see me like this. She would want me to try to make a change and I know i'm just at the beginning stages.. but I have been thinking about this for awhile now. The _WANT_ to change is most definitely there... and it starts with DIET. I want to figure out a meal plan. I don't really know how to do this.. but I was thinking maybe some kind of health smoothie for breakfast, a salad of some type for lunch, and then maybe do those planned out meals where you prep food for the week and split it up into containers that you warm up everyday. I don't know exactly yet how I am going to do it, but at least I have a game plan! I figure at least wanting to do this and really putting some serious thought into it is a start... and that's a good thing! Once I get the diet part worked out I can then start off by walking a little each day and increase how far I go everyday and hopefully get to a point where I don't feel like I'm gonna keel over anymore! I also want to get a bike so I can get back into riding again! I used to love riding a bike when I was a kid. Having a bike would definitely inspire me to get up off my ass, get outside, and go for a ride!

If I can make all that happen, I want to start lifting weights too. Ethan has REALLY inspired me! So much so that if I can pull all of this off successfully, I have ideas floating around in my head to document my journey on YouTube. I don't have the fancy equipment that most YouTubers have, but I have a cellphone and that would do for now.. EVENTUALLY I want to go all out and really do something with this... tell MY story.. so that maybe I can inspire people the way Ethan has inspired me! This really all ties into my LIFE LONG goal and dream of wanting to own an RV so I can travel and be able to document my journey on YouTube. Much in the same way that Eric Jacobs (Nomadic Fanatic) and Mike O'Connor (Living Free) do. They're the RV guys that I've been watching for YEARS. I have always wanted to do what they do. So maybe with any luck one day all of this will lead to that.

I used to talk to my Mom about my dream of owning an RV and traveling. I told her I always wished that I could take her with me on my travels... but God bless my Mother, she knew it wouldn't happen in her time... She told me: "I tell ya what Son... I may not be able to go with you in this life, but you have me cremated and take me with you when I'm gone... I'll be there with you in spirit!" I tell ya this... I fully intend to do that! I truly feel it in my heart and soul that this is my calling. It's something I NEED to do. I've wanted to ever since I was a little kid. The seed was planted all those many years ago when I used to go to Kickapoo State Park with my Grandpa in his RV. I was fascinated by it and that fascination has never left me! I know I am getting way ahead of myself, I just truly feel that if I can do the things necessary to change my life in a positive way that maybe someday I can make this dream become a reality.. but before any of that can happen, I have to rise up and be the change that I so desperately need in my life!

So that's about it.  I just felt like I would share this with anyone that cares to know what has been going on in my head... I really have Ethan Suplee to thank for lighting this spark within me... He has sparked the ember and now I need to keep it lit by actually doing something rather than just talking about it.  I have a long battle ahead of me, but I'm really hoping that I find the inner strength to make a change! If I may ask... to those of you that pray, please send some prayers my way... I definitely could use all the help I can get. I just hope the big guy upstairs hasn't given up on me yet...

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..."

New Ozzy Album!! Fuck yeah!!

Ozzy's new album "Ordinary Man" has been unleashed to the world today! (Feb. 21st)

I've listened to it in it's entirety several times already and I am in love with it!  I fully believe Ozzy is incapable of releasing bad music.  Everything he does is incredible.  Ozzy has always meant a great deal to me for several reasons.  The obvious of course is because he is the Godfather of metal, a true living legend!  He's just a great musician that makes fantastic music!  Be it from the old days of Black Sabbath or his solo stuff, it's all good.

However, beyond that? He means a lot to me because his music helps keep the memory of my Mother alive... some might ask... "How?" -- It's really quite simple... When my Mom was alive, she too loved Ozzy and quite often we'd listen to his music together.  We'd always talk about the songs we loved and what those songs meant to us... Now that she's gone? SO MANY of his songs remind me of her... and as such.. they bring back wonderful memories for me... He helps keep her memory alive and I am forever thankful to him for that fact.

That said, this new album is wonderful... he knocked it out of the park once again!  So many songs I relate with... I love music that I can relate to, there's just something very powerful about music you can relate with.  Music will always be my favorite part of life... I got my love of music from My Mom and I will continue to have that love of music until the day comes when I take my final breath and join her on the other side...

Goodbye 2019... Hello 2020.

Yet another year comes to a close and another begins... Cheers!

Never forgotten...

It's really hard to believe that it's been 18 years already... I for one have never forgotten!  Sadly, it seems with the way things are now days in this country that many people have!  All I know is that I remember and I always will.

Fuck you!

I just want to send out a FUCK YOU to the following:

01. Muslim terrorists! You camel fuckers can burn in hell!  9/11... NEVER FORGET!!
02. Death... It's claimed most of my family.  Sucks that it comes for us all sooner or later.
03. Mass shooters... you people are a bunch of fucking cowards and deserve to die.
04. People that pretend to be your friend but in actuality don't really give a fuck about you.
05. Fast food workers that don't know how to get a simple order right.
06. Shitty drivers. LEARN HOW TO DRIVE OR GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD!!
07. Keyboard warriors... Seriously, fuck off. You're not cool.
08. Libtards! Yes, I said it. You people are fucking cancerous to America.
09. Feminazi's. You give normal women a bad name!
10. Cancel Culture!  This PC butthurt generation of people make me want to puke!

And last but certainly not least... a special FUCK YOU goes out to the biggest CUNT I have ever known in my lifetime.  Christine Elizabeth Winner (Formally Christine Elizabeth Weiser).  You have proven to be the shittiest human being I have ever known.  Constantly playing the victim, never growing the fuck up, and even after all these years you're still a fucking bitch.  Seriously, FUCK YOU, CUNT!!  I sincerely hope there is a special place in Hell for you.

Pondering life...

Lately I've been kinda stuck in my own head.  Mostly pondering what I am going to do with the rest of the time I have left on this earth.  So much has transpired over the last couple of years.  I turned 40 years old back in October of last year,  most of my family has all passed away, I broke up with my girlfriend of 8 years, I moved out of state and am now living with the only real friend I have left in this world.  She has been a big part of my life for the last 16 years.  She's always been a really good friend and has always been there for me.  I've often wondered over the years what things would be like if we got more serious and became more than just friends.  She has shown interest in wanting to be with me but my biggest problem with that is she isn't exactly my type.  She has very liberal views and is politically correct about everything which is extremely irritating.  She sees the world very differently than I do and all too often it causes conflict between us.  Another huge issue I have with her is that she keeps her hair short.  I realize it's her hair and she has a right to keep it the way she wants to but short hair has always been a huge turn off for me.  As if that wasn't bad enough, she also doesn't shave where most girls shave... which is another massive turn off.  I guess i'm just old fashioned... I like femininity!  Soft smooth skin, and long flowing hair are a big time turn on!  Those things aside, she has always been really good to me, she cares about me a lot and sees past my flaws.  No female I've ever dated genuinely cared about me or accepted me the way that she does.  I can say that I definitely do have feelings for her, I just don't know how to proceed.  I'm not really ready to date again.  I just got out of an 8 year long relationship not that long ago.  I kind of want some time to try to find myself again.  I've been so fucked up over the years for so long that I lost myself somewhere along the way.  It would just be nice to get my life back on track before jumping into another relationship again.

I wish I could hit pause for awhile and just have a little time to focus on me for a change.  I've never been selfish, I always put so much of myself into the relationships I've been in, but I always put myself last... In a lot of ways I don't even know how to be me without being weighed down in a relationship.  Most people would say "Bro, just be single for awhile then!".  Well.. it's not that easy.  My friend that I live with pressures me on a daily basis to date her.. and i'm just really not ready for a commitment right now. I really just wish I could get rid of everything I own, buy an RV, and hit the road.. just disappear for awhile.. be out on the open road with just myself and my thoughts... live for awhile on my own, travel, see the countryside, and just breathe in life for awhile... Living in an RV is really all I have wanted for most of my life.. it started at a very young age for me... My Grandpa had an old 1977 Winnebago that I fell in love with as a kid and that planted the seed for me... over the years I have always been drawn to the RV life.. I like the idea of having a home on wheels that I can go anywhere at any time and not be stuck in one place.  I've always had wanderlust within me, but never had the finances to make it happen!  That's why I'm always stuck in one place and not out there living my dreams!  It's frustrating to say the least.  Lack of money... that's pretty much always been a recurring problem for me throughout my life.  It always holds me back from doing what I really want or having the hobbies I am passionate about.  It just sucks.

So yeah.. Just venting a little to get this shit off my chest... I have no one I can really confide in anymore since my Mom died 2 years ago... she was my confidant.. my best friend.. the one I could talk to about anything.  She never judged me, put me down, or made me feel bad.  She always knew exactly what to say... always had the best advice and always knew how to make me feel better... I miss her dearly... more than words even begin to express... Losing her has really changed me... I don't even look at life the same way anymore.  I have a very negative outlook on things these days... I just wish I could talk to her again, hug her one more time, tell her I love her, and thank her for everything she ever did for me.  Her absence in my life has left a massive hole... that's just another reason why I'm so fucked up anymore.  But it is what it is... life goes on, whether I like it or not.  I just wish I had some insight for what I should do with whatever time I have left in this world.   I want to get my shit together and try to enjoy life again... It's been too long since I could say I enjoyed life.  I've been in the dark for far too long.  Hopefully the day will come where I can find the light once again... here's to wishful thinking!

Another relationship bites the dust...

A few weeks ago my girlfriend of 8 years and I decided to finally part ways.  Our relationship had been dead in the water for a few years anyway so it's not like I didn't see this coming.  We really grew apart in the last 4 years of our relationship anyway... She was always so distant, cut me off from sex, never wanted to spend time with me or do anything as a couple.  It resorted to her staring at her laptop and me staring at mine.. even when we were together in the same room there was rarely any conversation.  It was like living with a roommate, not a significant other... I honestly think we drug it out as long as we did because neither of us knew how to walk away... You get comfortable with someone after so long and it just becomes routine.   So yeah, she moved in with another guy and I moved out of state.  I'm trying to start over and just move on with life.  I wished her the best, for once I didn't have a nasty break up.  So that's something... my previous relationships all ended terribly... was nice for a change that this one didn't.. it just kind of fizzled out.  For now, i'm just gonna try to work on me for awhile and get my life back to some form of normal if that's possible.  So here's to looking forward to the future and whatever it may bring!