Well, it's definitely been awhile since I last made a post on here. I've just been in kind of a slump and haven't really felt like doing much of anything. China shitting all over the world with the covid-19 shit really put a damper on everyone's life... things have just seemed to keep getting worse. Covid-19 happened, riots broke out all over America, people started losing their minds over all things Republican, and now Democrats are in charge of America and mental illness is running rampant! Everything is about race, transgenders, the left vs. the right... Freedom of speech is literally being taken away as I write this... People aren't allowed to think, feel, or have an opinion about ANYTHING anymore... Everyone gets butthurt and offended SO FUCKING EASILY!! I cannot believe the way things are now... I feel like i'm trapped in an never ending episode of The Twilight Zone... It's crazy... it truly is!
I don't know what the fuck has happened with everyone and everything... It's so hard to find positivity and good in this world. My Mom was really the last good thing I ever had in my life... and going on these almost 4 years without her has been difficult to say the least... I miss her so much... I'm NOT glad that she's gone by ANY means, but I am glad that she doesn't have to see just how ugly the world has become... I might be biased because she was my Mother, but I feel she was too good of a person to exist in the way things are now... she was truly one of the most wonderful people I was ever lucky enough to know... and I got to call her Mom. I miss my times with her... I miss how we'd go to Dunkin Donuts and get our large caramel mocha iced coffees (with light ice!) and we'd normally go drive to a park and just sit and talk for hours... we'd vent to one another, reminisce about the past, and we were just able to be OURSELVES... It was a gift that I look back on very fondly... My Mom is definitely the one thing I miss most about the way life used to be...
Not only that but going back even further... before the days my Grandma died as well and BEFORE she had Alzheimer's... I miss family dinners.. sitting around the table with my family... just treasuring the time I got with them... Even back then I knew it wouldn't last forever... I think that's why I used to just look around the table at them and take them all in.. It just saddens me that most of them are now all dead and gone.. I don't really have family anymore... and family was always such a huge part of my life... My Mom is gone, my Grandma is gone, my Grandpa is gone, my Aunt is gone, and my Uncle is dying of cancer as we speak... All that's left is my Brother that I never see or rarely talk to, my Cousin.. same deal with her.. don't really talk to or see... and my Daughter that I haven't seen since before she was 2 years old... We at least have talked on the phone a few times and once in awhile drop each other a text.. but even then.. it's not very often... I just feel really alone anymore.
It really sucks how things have turned out... Family was everything to me and now it's pretty much non-existent. It sucks that that's the way life goes... everyone gets older.. and we all start dying.. one by one... I've tried to make sense of all that for years now and it never really makes sense to me why life has to be so temporary. If you're religious, you believe that you get to go to Heaven one day if you're good enough in the eyes of God... but no one really knows what comes next when life is over... if anything at all. Life is a big mystery. I try to follow religious morals and what not.. but I've struggled with that for so much of my life... Not sure I'll ever get right with God before it's my time to join my family on the other side... I'd love to think that Heaven is real and I get to see my family again one day... but who really knows!
Anyway.. Life is pretty repetitive anymore.. Can't really do shit because of the Covid-19 shit... that, and we seem to keep losing our freedoms one by one... so it's hard to really see a point to any of this... I sometimes wonder why I keep going on in this life... it's all such a hard struggle.. and the worst part is.. not a damn one of us make it out alive anyway... family, friends, acquaintances, significant others.. they all eventually fade away sooner or later.. be it by choice or death. It's a massive bummer when I really stop and think about it. I've got to a point in life where I'm tired of losing people.. I think that's a big reason I have been single for a few years now.. I'm tired of getting close to people. In my experience when it comes to dating.. one person ALWAYS falls out of love with the other, they then cheat and arguments seem to become a daily thing.. I've gone through it too many times in my life and I just can't be bothered with all that stress and drama anymore.
I don't know what the fuck has happened with everyone and everything... It's so hard to find positivity and good in this world. My Mom was really the last good thing I ever had in my life... and going on these almost 4 years without her has been difficult to say the least... I miss her so much... I'm NOT glad that she's gone by ANY means, but I am glad that she doesn't have to see just how ugly the world has become... I might be biased because she was my Mother, but I feel she was too good of a person to exist in the way things are now... she was truly one of the most wonderful people I was ever lucky enough to know... and I got to call her Mom. I miss my times with her... I miss how we'd go to Dunkin Donuts and get our large caramel mocha iced coffees (with light ice!) and we'd normally go drive to a park and just sit and talk for hours... we'd vent to one another, reminisce about the past, and we were just able to be OURSELVES... It was a gift that I look back on very fondly... My Mom is definitely the one thing I miss most about the way life used to be...
Not only that but going back even further... before the days my Grandma died as well and BEFORE she had Alzheimer's... I miss family dinners.. sitting around the table with my family... just treasuring the time I got with them... Even back then I knew it wouldn't last forever... I think that's why I used to just look around the table at them and take them all in.. It just saddens me that most of them are now all dead and gone.. I don't really have family anymore... and family was always such a huge part of my life... My Mom is gone, my Grandma is gone, my Grandpa is gone, my Aunt is gone, and my Uncle is dying of cancer as we speak... All that's left is my Brother that I never see or rarely talk to, my Cousin.. same deal with her.. don't really talk to or see... and my Daughter that I haven't seen since before she was 2 years old... We at least have talked on the phone a few times and once in awhile drop each other a text.. but even then.. it's not very often... I just feel really alone anymore.
It really sucks how things have turned out... Family was everything to me and now it's pretty much non-existent. It sucks that that's the way life goes... everyone gets older.. and we all start dying.. one by one... I've tried to make sense of all that for years now and it never really makes sense to me why life has to be so temporary. If you're religious, you believe that you get to go to Heaven one day if you're good enough in the eyes of God... but no one really knows what comes next when life is over... if anything at all. Life is a big mystery. I try to follow religious morals and what not.. but I've struggled with that for so much of my life... Not sure I'll ever get right with God before it's my time to join my family on the other side... I'd love to think that Heaven is real and I get to see my family again one day... but who really knows!
Anyway.. Life is pretty repetitive anymore.. Can't really do shit because of the Covid-19 shit... that, and we seem to keep losing our freedoms one by one... so it's hard to really see a point to any of this... I sometimes wonder why I keep going on in this life... it's all such a hard struggle.. and the worst part is.. not a damn one of us make it out alive anyway... family, friends, acquaintances, significant others.. they all eventually fade away sooner or later.. be it by choice or death. It's a massive bummer when I really stop and think about it. I've got to a point in life where I'm tired of losing people.. I think that's a big reason I have been single for a few years now.. I'm tired of getting close to people. In my experience when it comes to dating.. one person ALWAYS falls out of love with the other, they then cheat and arguments seem to become a daily thing.. I've gone through it too many times in my life and I just can't be bothered with all that stress and drama anymore.
When I was younger I believed in love.. I even said it was the most important thing there was in life.. but here I am well into my 40's now and I just don't feel the same way about it anymore. The people you love always leave... As far as significant others go.. it's always the same thing.. things are good for awhile, then they find someone else, the cheating happens, the fights happen, then the eventual end happens... and you're left with nothing to show for those years lost. With family and loved ones... they die on you one by one... I really feel love is pain... it's not joy... in the end it's just painful memories. At least that's the way it's been in my experience.
I dunno, life has a way of changing you.. and as far as I can tell, it's NOT always for the better. I get that we all have to go through shit, I get that people leave and people die... but IT FUCKING SUCKS!! I'm not ok with it.. I never have been and I never will be. I find myself saying "I miss the old days" so very often... I think back to when I was a kid... you have your innocence, your hopes and dreams, and the things in life you aspire to do... but then you get a little older.. your heart gets ripped out and stomped on, life doesn't turn out the way you had hoped it would and your left feeling really fucking tired of the way things have gone.. It's just hard to find something that gives you hope to keep on keeping on. Again, this is just my experience. I can't speak for everyone.. but I do know there are many people out there in this world that feel the same way I do.
I realize that in the end, you have to find a way to ignite the fire inside yourself because NO ONE ELSE is going to do it for you and I think that's the core of my problems. I have searched within myself trying to find a way to re-light the spark I once had for life... Everyone I've ever loved has left me in one way or another and all that's left is me and my thoughts... I still have a few dreams i'd love to make happen but LACK OF MONEY holds me back from bringing those dreams to life... LIFE gets in the way and unless you're lucky enough to be RICH... it's not always easy to make dreams happen. I've always wanted to get an RV and live in it.. be able to travel and go wherever I want, whenever I want... start a YouTube channel and document my day to day life for anyone that would be interested to watch it... even if I only had a few people, I think that would inspire me.. but again.. lack of money to make it happen. That has always been my downfall...
It's weird.. one of my ex girlfriends told me that money is the most important thing in this life... I always said LOVE was... all these years later, I think she very well may have been right... without money? You really can't do shit in this life. Love fades... love dies... and love always goes away sooner or later, even if you don't want it to. I feel like in some ways being a hopeless romantic has ruined my life. I wasted SO MANY YEARS on the wrong women... women that just ended up making me feel less than... and It's had a psychologic effect on me that doesn't do me any favors... I can say now as a single man, things are less stressful to a degree, but still finding my own inner strength to make things happen for me is a constant problem for me. I hope one day I can find a way to make things happen... Anyway, I just kinda felt like venting in a way... I just miss so much from my younger days... I remember talking to my Mom when we'd get together and I'd listen to her stories from her youth.. seeing her face light up.. she'd come alive... and I always loved seeing that happiness on her face... but it would always fade after she'd be done telling the story.... all these years later.. I GET IT!! I totally understand... I think for the most part life is just better when you're younger.. sure you have hardships as a kid.. (I know I sure as hell did!) but... overall? Life is just simpler.. and almost magical in a way. I'll always and forever miss the old days...
I realize that in the end, you have to find a way to ignite the fire inside yourself because NO ONE ELSE is going to do it for you and I think that's the core of my problems. I have searched within myself trying to find a way to re-light the spark I once had for life... Everyone I've ever loved has left me in one way or another and all that's left is me and my thoughts... I still have a few dreams i'd love to make happen but LACK OF MONEY holds me back from bringing those dreams to life... LIFE gets in the way and unless you're lucky enough to be RICH... it's not always easy to make dreams happen. I've always wanted to get an RV and live in it.. be able to travel and go wherever I want, whenever I want... start a YouTube channel and document my day to day life for anyone that would be interested to watch it... even if I only had a few people, I think that would inspire me.. but again.. lack of money to make it happen. That has always been my downfall...
It's weird.. one of my ex girlfriends told me that money is the most important thing in this life... I always said LOVE was... all these years later, I think she very well may have been right... without money? You really can't do shit in this life. Love fades... love dies... and love always goes away sooner or later, even if you don't want it to. I feel like in some ways being a hopeless romantic has ruined my life. I wasted SO MANY YEARS on the wrong women... women that just ended up making me feel less than... and It's had a psychologic effect on me that doesn't do me any favors... I can say now as a single man, things are less stressful to a degree, but still finding my own inner strength to make things happen for me is a constant problem for me. I hope one day I can find a way to make things happen... Anyway, I just kinda felt like venting in a way... I just miss so much from my younger days... I remember talking to my Mom when we'd get together and I'd listen to her stories from her youth.. seeing her face light up.. she'd come alive... and I always loved seeing that happiness on her face... but it would always fade after she'd be done telling the story.... all these years later.. I GET IT!! I totally understand... I think for the most part life is just better when you're younger.. sure you have hardships as a kid.. (I know I sure as hell did!) but... overall? Life is just simpler.. and almost magical in a way. I'll always and forever miss the old days...
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