I just felt like making another post. I made one earlier but I don't feel like I really got everything out that I wanted to say. My thoughts tend to be very random and go all over the place. So yeah.. I've vented about quite a bit on this blog since I started it and my life has had a lot of chaos in that time. Things are less chaotic in some ways, but in other ways not so much. I had some teeth cut out a few months ago and my mouth still hurts... Still pissed that the stupid fucking surgeon even cut out a GOOD tooth, leaving one that was SUPPOSED to be cut out but wasn't... I thought about suing the guy but I really don't want to have to deal with courts and lawyers so I just let it go. With Covid-19 still being a thing, I just don't want to deal with all that shit. I am tired of my mouth hurting all the time though.. but I guess this is just the new norm.. something I have to live with. That's a bummer for me on a daily basis though.. same with my heart issues that have never really been identified. I've seen a cardiologist several times, had tests done, even wore a monitor on my chest TWICE but still.. I'm told this irregular funky heart beat clunk that I have is "normal".. but I know damn well that it's NOT... I mean heart problems run in my family.. heart issues killed both my Mom AND my Grandpa... It runs in my family... genetics.. gotta love them, eh? I suppose everyone has their own set of health issues to deal with but I have to admit it does get tiresome having to deal with them on a daily basis.. but that's life I suppose.
Anyway, as I always say "It's always something". Just have to keep on keeping on... what else... let's see... Daily life... bleh... That's been a bit of a bitch this last year with Covid-19 fucking up the entire world (THANKS CHINA!!). Life certainly isn't the same as it used to be. Been on lockdown for a year... same shit different day... I spend all of my time alone... My roommate that I live with is a nurse on a Covid Unit so she's always at work.. no lock down for her.. I always worry about her becoming infected and then giving it to me... but I suppose what happens, happens... Can't really do shit about it either way.
When I first moved in here with her, things were REALLY different.. we used to spend time together, we'd go places together, we'd watch tv together, we'd sit for hours and just talk... I felt a true connection with her.. but I have to say in my time living here that has pretty much faded away completely. I do have love for her and I genuinely care about her, but that connection has really all but evaporated. I guess it's true what they say, you don't really KNOW someone until you live with them. I mean, she feels the same about me, she tells me constantly that she doesn't even like me. But you see.. it's stupid shit... political views, world views, those types of things.. she's a radical leftist and I am a conservative with morals and values. I actually give a fuck about America so I lean to the right, she however buys into the the left mentality of things. Needless to say it's caused a HUGE rift between us. Which I really think is stupid. I have the mind set of it's ok to disagree, it's ok if your views don't go along with mine.... her mind set is "YOU'RE WRONG!!".. "ORANGE MAN BAD!!".. "RACIST!!".. "NAZI!!". You know, all the bullshit the left says about the right. I personally feel it's really childish. But there is just no getting through to her as far as political differences are concerned. I can't even have a civil conversation with her about it, I've tried and failed miserably.
I just don't understand that insane leftist mentality of "If you don't think the way I do, go fuck yourself!" To me, that's ignorant! But I guess some people just are that way, what are ya gonna do? It bothers me a lot.. but nothing I can do about it. It's caused a pretty big divide between us.. I think that's why most of the time we don't even hang out anymore. I am pretty damn lonely these days... I have no friends or family here, I don't hardly ever leave the house anymore because I honestly have no where to go. But hey.. even if I did, it's not like I can really go anywhere anyway seeing as Biden keeps the country on lockdown. I just really thought my life would be different here... My roommate played a big part in me leaving my now ex-girlfriend... she told me things would be different, that my life would be better here, and I being the naive dumbass that I have always been, believed her. I mean my ex and I would have split up anyway, she was already living with another man while I was here (the man she is now dating) so... it's not like things would have played out differently had my ex and I NOT split up. I know she was messing around on me... we went YEARS without having sex and she'd slip up and say things that tipped me off to her unfaithfulness... that's another thing.... Every woman I've ever been with has always cheated on me. I feel like there is no such thing as LOYAL WOMEN. Do they even exist!? I sure as hell have never met one.
Anyway, I just kind of felt like life would somehow be different here, I guess it was the newness of me being here.. fresh out of a bad situation I was in at the time.. things felt more lively.. but as time has gone on.. that newness wore off and it's back to the same old same old... But, as with everything else in life, what are ya gonna do? As far as I can tell, things just are as they are. Some people have great lives, other people have shitty lives. I've gotten pretty used to things being shitty no matter where I go in life... I wish I had the ability to change my life and go after the things I want... Problem is, I have a lot of health issues that hinder me in doing that... Which is where the root of most of my problems come from. How does one change their life when they are limited to what they can do? I've listened to things online where someone might say something like "You just have to put your mind to it and make it happen!" ok, HOW??? NO ONE ever EXPLAINS how you do that. Even the RV guys that I watch on YouTube that do what I wish I could do, they NEVER explain HOW they get to do that... Like.. they don't have jobs, yet, they never explain how they PAY for their lifestyle. This is what I'm talking about, people love to talk about and show success, but they never want to tell you HOW to make it happen. That's always frustrated me.
I guess I'm rambling at this point... What a sad existence I have... No one to talk to, so I resort to typing out my thoughts on a blog that no one is going to read... lol. I guess in some ways I'm glad about that fact, no one really likes hearing about other peoples problems and honestly I created this blog just so I had a place to rant. A place to get my thoughts and feelings out rather than having to hold it all in. That's something I used to do A LOT in my younger years.. I always held everything down on the inside and I know that wasn't healthy by any means. So yeah.. here later in life I now write every so often on this blog. I guess that's something, eh? I often times miss having friends but then I am reminded of all the people I called my friends over the years that ended up backstabbing me in one way or another... I think Eminem said it best.. "Friends are people that you think are your friends but they're really your enemies with secret identities..." I've found that to be absolutely true! People that I even knew for 20+ years turned on me, or judged me for something they didn't agree with. Which is something I never understood... I NEVER judged them! I always stuck up for them, I always had their backs.. but when I was down and out, they were quick to shit all over me! I've found that most people have the philosophy of "It's ok for me, but not for you!" At least that's how it's always played out in my life. I wish I could meet REAL people... GENUINE people that didn't have any hidden agendas or were at least open and honest rather than being fake lying assholes! I guess that's asking for too much though.. especially with the world we live in now days.. EVERYONE seems to be so fake and self absorbed. All the more reason I long for the way life used to be when people weren't so shitty to one another!
I often times think about what it would be like to meet a genuinely good woman that was faithful, honest, and trustworthy. Someone I actually shared common interests with, someone that had similar views to where we would actually get along and agree with each other on things! I however know at this stage of my life I probably will never date again before I pass away because let's face it.. I'm old and I have too many issues that end up causing problems in the relationship. I wish that wasn't the case, but it is. I dunno, I've pretty much accepted that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. In a lot of ways I almost think that's why God has allowed my life to play out as it has... to train me for what was to be. They say God works in mysterious ways... I mean really... I look at the way my life has played out.. especially over the last 20 years or so... Every situation I end up in, I am always alone... and I mean even before my Mom died... I missed out on the last 3 years of her life because MY LIFE was so fucked up at the time, I was stranded hours away from where she lived... those 3 years were really a dark time for me... then she died.. which made it even worse... but I feel like it prepped me.. or at least got me ready for her to be gone.. I dunno... I always try to rationalize everything.. I always overthink and overanalyze things.. It's just the way I am. Now here I am.. coming up on 4 years of my Mom being gone and I'm still alone.. I think it's hardened me in a lot of ways but again, prepped me for how life is now.
Moving on... My thoughts always lead back to my dream of owning an RV, but I tell ya, I truly wish I could make that happen. Not just to travel and live the life I want, but being able to go visit people... Like my Daughter! My Brother! My Uncle! My Cousin! The family I still have left but never get to see.... would be nice to spend some time with them. I especially think about what it would be like to be able to pick up and go spend some real quality time with my Daughter... I've missed out on so much of her life because of her cunt of a Mother... my ex girlfriend that has kept me from her all these years! My Daughter is 20 years old now and her Mother can no longer keep her from me! Which makes me wish I had a way to go see her even more so! Would be amazing to have an RV and just go see her and spend some quality time with her, get to know her! Just hang out and shoot the shit! I've been able to talk to her a few times over the last 2 years and she's a riot! She's A LOT like me in so many ways! I found myself saying "you're definitely my kid!" lol.. she's funny, she thinks a lot like me on certain things which I find to be incredible. Sad thing is, the poor kid has been through a lot and unfortunately has issues just like I do... Sometimes I can't help but feel responsible because she has my genetics and DNA running through her.. but hey.. her bitch of a Mother is the one that raised her.. she fucked up! I found out all these years later that she's STILL a cunt and hasn't grown up or changed at all.. It kind of breaks my heart that my Daughter had to grow up with HER as a Mother... I can't even imagine having that bitch for a Mom... she sure didn't do our Daughter any favors! Some might say "Well you weren't there, it's not like you have any room to talk!" Yeah, well I WOULD have been if I wasn't kept from her all these years! The legal system is a mother fucker and it's unfair! The courts ALWAYS side with the Mom.. and it doesn't matter how good of a person the Father is, he always gets shit on! I've known so many guys that have gone through what I have, and even worse! It's not fair at all.
I dunno, maybe it's a pipe dream like most things I want in life, but it would just be great to be around my kid and hang with her, just rekindle what we lost all those years ago... I hope I get to actually SEE HER before I die... It's been CLOSE to 19 years since I last saw her! She was just a baby... now shes a grown woman! I imagine seeing her in person and just being completely overwhelmed with emotion... To be able to hug my child, and just sit in the same room and just talk to her! I think that would do us BOTH a world of good. She could see with her own eyes that I'm not the piece of shit her Mother made me out to be! She's told me things that she has said to her.. a bunch of fucking lies and it pisses me off to no end! For the record, I HATE women that do that shit to men... If the guy is a good guy, STOP USING YOUR CHILDREN AS WEAPONS AGAINST THEM!!! I'll never understand why us good guys end up with the bitchy shitty women and the good women end up with the assholes! I mean really, I've heard SO MANY stories of women that actually WANTED their ex's to be a part of their kids life but HE wanted nothing to do with them! Yet guys like me that actually WANTED to be a part of the kids life AREN'T ALLOWED TO BE!! I'll never understand that.
But yeah.. I hope some day I'm able to see her and spend time with her. I KNOW we'd get along. We have a ton in common and I smile when I think about what it would be like to hang out with her and just catch up on lost time. I hope I get the chance... sadly as it stands, she lives on the east cost and I'm smack dab in the middle of the country. Neither of us are really able to go to the other right now, we both have financial issues. I hope some day that changes.. I really do. I want her to know how much I have always loved her, I want her to see it with her own eyes. Last I heard her Mom basically cut her out of her life so she's on her own doing her own thing. And me? I'm always alone with no family around, I really think it would do us both a lot of good to be around one another, we'd both finally have family around! She has my values, so I know family is just as important to her as it is to me. With so much of my family being dead and gone it would just be fantastic to have her around. I guess I just have to leave it in God's hands... if it's meant to be, it will be. Anyway... I think i've rambled on enough for now. Who knows when I'll be back to make another post. In some ways I feel like this has helped. Until my next post, I'm out for now!
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