Time to vent. It's been awhile...

As the title suggests, It's time to vent. It's been awhile... So where do I even begin? My thoughts have been all over the place for such a long time now. I keep everything on the inside because I know most people don't care, and I simply have no one to talk to anymore. I live a very isolated life alone, most of my family is dead and gone, people that I thought were once my friends have all fallen to the wayside, I haven't dated in almost 10 years, and it's really just me and my thoughts. As such, I decided when I made this blog that I would use it to vent so I could get my inner thoughts out and have a place to unload all my shit. That said, I've just been having a really rough go of things lately. Between all the health issues, dealing with most of my family being dead and gone, my financial problems, wanting a life I can never have, and wishing things would one day get better but knowing deep down it never will. I've felt hopeless for a long time. I tried religion off and on ALL my life and I'll be 48 on the 18th of this month so that's quite a long time. I've just never been good at having blind faith and basically that's what you have to have to be all in with religion. I've prayed to God so many times throughout my life in hopes that he could help me... but all I've ever got is dead silence in responce which really makes it hard to have faith. On one hand.. I know I just have to believe and be all in.. but on the other hand.. I struggle with that concept. I've always been the type of person that "needs proof". I can't help it.. it's just the way my brain works. As such.. I ALWAYS struggle where God is concerned because there is no proof.. there is no God talking or showing me he's real.. you just have to believe... It's something I have battled all my life and I am close to giving up. My faith is hanging on by a thread. I wish I didn't need proof. I wish my faith was stronger.. but it just isn't. Do I believe at the end of the day? I do... but at the same time.. I STILL want PROOF... and I don't know how to get past that.

I think a lot of my problem is that I watch a lot of sermons online.. or just random Christian people telling their stories... how God talks to them.. how if you ask for God to reveal himself.. he will... ask and God will provide.... yeah well.. HE DOESN'T. At least not with me... so I'm left wondering.. does he not give a shit about me? Has he given up on me? I can never get clarity in this situation and it causes me a lot of stress. I've been "all in" many times throughout my life.. but then something happens and I push it all away.. my walls go up.. and I walk away from it. Something always rocks my faith and makes me turn away.. and I HATE that! I don't know how religion comes so easy to some people but others (like me) struggle with it all our lives. I remember when my Grandma was still alive and we'd sit and talk for hours on this very topic.. she'd always call me a "Doubting Thomas" and that I just have to believe... but see.. I don't know how to. My brain ALWAYS tells me that I need some kind of proof. It's hard for me to have blind faith... it always has been. I've asked God so many times to give me the ability to just believe WITHOUT seeking proof... but as with everything I ask God... it goes unanswered or ignored completely... So yeah.. that's my issue with Faith. I don't know if I'll ever make peace with my creator before it's my time to leave this world... which raises another question entirely... am I going to Hell? Most religious people would say yes.. and maybe I am. Maybe that's exactly why God ignores me and never answers my prayers.. he has probably given up on me.. and in some ways I guess I don't really blame him. I've been back and forth so many damn times... it's just excausting. I just wish God would reveal himself to me and help strengthen my faith.. but for whatever reason he simply won't. So it is what it is.

I also have so many health problems now that I can't work. I can't hold down a job. I don't have any kind of income which causes me to be stuck in life. I can't ever better my situation because I have no income to do so! I've beat my head against the same wall for so long trying to figure out a way to better my situation, I just don't know how to fix things. I tried for SSDI a few times over the years but always got rejected so I finally gave up. I wish I could get it because it would do me a world of good. Even just having a few hundred bucks every month would help make my life more bearable... but wish in one hand, shit in the other... guess which gets filled first? So yeah.. I don't really know what's worse.. being able to work and working non-stop and having money to do things, but never having the time to do them... OR not being able to work, thus having all the time in the world to do things but having no money to do anything! I guess both are pretty shitty... all I know is I'm tired of being broke. There is so much I still want to do in life before I die... but at this point I really have no idea how to change things. I've prayed for a miracle... but the miracle never comes. So I'm really just at a point where I don't know what to do anymore. Combine that with missing my dead family members, not having any quality of life, and just existing day after day... I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.. but I also know that won't help a damn thing. So where am I..? Talking to myself on a damn blog venting thinking that something will actually change when I know that it won't. Being broke is a huge part of the depression I have. I always hear rich people saying "money can't buy happiness". Funny how it's always the wealthy that say that crap... meanwhile broke people like me DAYDREAM of having money just to better their situation in life... ya know maybe money doesn't buy happiness, but I tell ya what.. it sure as hell helps make life easier THUS making you happier because you're not having to struggle all the time!

Anyway... other things going on in my life... I miss my family... Grandpa was the first to go, he died in 2015. Mom was next to go, she died in 2017... and Grandma was the last to go... passing just 5 months after my Mom in the same year (2017)... Those are the 3 people that raised me... I never had a big family to begin with so them being gone takes out most of my family. All I have left now is my Brother, Daughter, Uncle, and Cousin. The one positive is that my Brother and I talk regularly on the phone.. after Mom died we got closer than ever. I'm VERY thankful for that. He calls me generally once a week and we talk for hours on end. It's nice. It's one of the few good things in my life. He helps keep me going... We talk about everything. What's going on in his life, reminiscing about the past, debating on random topics, and doing our "lists" that we always do. It's one of the few positives I still have in my life. I love him more than my own life. My Daughter and I talk once in awhile on the phone, we reconnected after 18 years of being out of touch thanks to her Mother... but I am thankful we were able to re-connect and though we live far apart from one another, I'm still thankful that I have her in my life even if it's from a distance. My Cousin and I don't talk very often. We live very different lives. We used to be super close when we were kids, but we kinda drifted apart. I'll always love her though. My Uncle... what a mess. I don't think I'll even get into all that... let's just say him and I don't talk anymore... and last I heard he wasn't doing well either.. I don't even know if he's still alive or not. Despite our differences... I still love him. I hope he's alright.. but who really knows. Family just isn't what it used to be anymore... once Mom Grandma and Grandpa passed... the rest of the family just sort of fell apart. I miss family get togethers... I miss just sitting around the kitchen table having a meal together.. laughing together.. just enjoying each others company... I miss holidays with them... I don't even celebrate holidays anymore... same with my Birthday that's coming up on the 18th of this month.. literally 6 days away.. I'll be 48.. but it's just another day. My Mother was the only one that ever really made sure I had a Birthday every year... she used to call me at midnight on the 18th and wish me a Happy Birthday... what I wouldn't give to have that phonecall just one more time...

You never truly realize just how good you had it until those special moments are gone... Most of who I used to be honestly died the day my Mother passed (June 18th 2017). She was the light of my life.. my best friend.. the bond her and I shared was unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I only got 38 years with her... it just wasn't enough. I get that some people get even less.. so I'm thankful for the time I had.. but it wasn't enough. She had just turned 59 when she passed... too young if you ask me... but hey.. I'll be lucky to live even that long. I inherited the heart problems she and my Grandpa both died from.. I'm on so many heart medications now that I'm basically a walking pharmacist... Just like my Mom was for the last 15 years of her life. Like Mom like Son eh? Gotta love genetics... but hey, we all deal with something! It's just hard to remember a time where things were good in life.. it was a lifetime ago! I romanticize the past... but then MOST of my good memories were back in the 80's and 90's. Life really does go by so fucking fast... I constantly think back to when I was younger and I vividly remember being a kid.. and then one day you blink and you wake up and you're almost 48! It goes by in the blink of an eye... and one day I'll be gone. I feel like that day is coming sooner than later... which sucks because I'm afraid of death. It REALLY sucks to be afraid of the one thing that's inevitable.. but hey.. we're all afraid of something!

I guess I don't really have much more to vent about... I just wish I was better off in life. I still dream of being able to own an RV and travel to places I want to go to.. be able to go visit my Daughter and Brother.. go to places that I used to love when I was kid.. and just be out on the open road. That was always my ultimate goal in life.. but life has become so expensive now.. where a 65 thousand dollar RV now costs around 120 thousand dollars. It was out of my pricerange years ago.. but now it's unobtainable... I'll never be rich. Hell, I'll never even be well off. Such is life... not everyone gets to live the life they want. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway... I have cataracts and I've been losing my vision now for quite some time... I can't afford surgery for that.. so one day I won't even be able to see anything anyway. Ya know.. it's funny, I always see shit online saying seize the day! Make life what you want it to be! Maybe some people are able to do that.. but I wasn't able to do that. When you can't work and have no income... that makes everything damn near impossible to achieve. So it basically boils down to lack of income, health problems, depression, and not being able to have better faith... these are the biggest issues I face in life. I'm not sure I'll ever find a way out of these issues... maybe I won't. Maybe I just need to accept things as they are and just wait around to join my family on the other side. That's basically what I've done the last few years anyway. I'm just going through the motions until it's my time to leave this world. May not be the best way to do things... but it's about the only thing I CAN do these days. Can you tell I'm a fucking mess..? At least I own it and admit it. Most people hide behind lies anymore. The world has become such a fucked up place... all I ever see online anymore is negativity, hate, mental illness, division, people doing (and celebrating) evil things... it's all become so tiresome. My Brother tells me to get offline and stop reading all the shit I see on social media... I know he's right... but it's not like I have anything better to do with my time anymore. The internet has basically become my only link to the outside world. Which is another problem... Well... I think I've vented enough. I don't know how successful I was at getting all this shit out.. but at least I tried. Until next time... I'm out.