Completely torn...

As the title of this post suggests, I am completely torn... I really have no one to talk to anymore since my Mom died... she was always my pillar...my voice of reason... my light in the dark... she could always calm the storms in my head... I could talk to her about anything!  With her being gone now, there is such a massive void in my life... It sucks because no matter what I am dealing with I can no longer turn to her for advice... I know that's a huge part of why I am so mentally fucked up these days.. but it is what it is... there is literally nothing I can do about it.

The reason I am torn is because I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life... I've been with my current girlfriend for 8 years now...  The longest relationship I have ever had!  The problem is that things have not been the best between us.  We are most certainly not your average couple by any means... and that has caused a lot of strife in my life as a result.  We don't spend time together like most couples do.  Her idea of "spending time together" is sitting in the same room, both of us on our laptops with our backs to one another not even speaking...  She never wants to talk and goes out of her way to outright dodge serious topics.  If that wasn't bad enough, we haven't even had sex in years.  There is no intimacy or affection what so ever.  I'm the type of person that needs love and affection... I enjoy good conversation.. but that has been severely lacking for years.

I find myself being very lonely with her... but we've been through so much together... and I feel an obligation to her that I've never had with any of the other women i've ever been with.  Despite the lack of affection and intimacy, she sticks it out with me no matter how bad things get... and that's the main reason I don't just walk away... but lately I have been feeling like that isn't really enough.  When my Mom died... I was in a very dark place... cut off from the outside world and never getting my needs met.  I started to lose hope with life in general... but that's when a long time friend of mine stepped up and unlike EVERYONE ELSE in my life, showed me that she cared!

This friend of mine took me in!  She came and picked me up and got me away from my bad situation.  I've been living with her and her Mom for several months now.  Her Mom has even told me I can stay here as long as I want to.  I love it here because she talks to me all the time, she actually shows me that she cares, and I DON'T feel alone here!  Shes been a TRUE friend, she's helped me cope with my Mom being gone, and I fully believe I would not be here today if it wasn't for her.  She has given me hope.. something I haven't felt in a VERY long time.  Fact is, my life is better here... I have companionship, friendship, and love here.  I feel like I am actually a part of something here!  I honestly don't want to leave!  The problem is... I don't know how to deal with this because there is going to come a time sooner than later where I have to go back... and I don't want to. 😟

So yeah... While I have felt better being here with my friend... I know that I can't stay forever... so lately I have been more depressed because I feel like everything is coming to an end.. and before too long.. I'll be back with my girlfriend where I will go back to being alone... I think a lot of people would say "Well you're obviously happier with your friend, so break up with your girlfriend.  The choice is obvious!"  And while that might be the logical choice, it's easier said than done!  I love my girlfriend... I care about her.  My friend knows this, so it's not some huge secret. Despite how things are.. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend... which is the dilemma... Do I stay miserable and go back to my girlfriend, or do I stay here where I am happier?  This is why I am so torn...  This is one of those times I would give anything to talk to my Mom... she would know what to say.. she always gave the best advice.

But yeah... this is the Hell that is my life...