My biggest dream in life...

For as far back as I can remember, my biggest dream in life has always been to own an RV and live free out on the open road being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want!  The thought of always having my home with me no matter where I go has always been very appealing to me.  I hate being stuck in the same place... I've always had a massive wanderlust and have never been able to fulfill it.  Lack of funds has always been the thing that holds me back.  It's quite literally the only reason I am not out on the road right now in an RV living the life I have always wanted.  I have watched videos of people that live in their RV's on YouTube for years... two guys in particular:

• Mike O'Connor - (Living Free)
• https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Yl9NlOsgfUR6jkKfTAgBQ/featured

• Eric Jacobs - (Nomadic Fanatic)
• https://www.youtube.com/user/nomadicfanatic

Watching their videos has sparked a fire in me that just makes me want to live this life even more.  I would love to do what they do... They document their travels, where they go, places they visit, their day to day lives, and things like that.  The best part is that they get paid by YouTube to do it!  So they make their living online!  I could die a happy man being able to do what they do!  I am envious of both of those guys because they're out there literally living my dream life.

I just wish I knew how they did it... You can't just go out and buy an RV, start up a YouTube channel, and instantly be making enough to support yourself out on the road.  You need TONS of subscribers and people to watch your videos constantly to bring in the kind of money for that... and I don't have the knowledge of how to make that work or the funds to make it happen... This is one of the main reasons I am so depressed in life... How many people in this world ACTUALLY know what they want in life...?  I DO, but I can't make it happen... It just bums me the fuck out.

But... it doesn't change the fact that this is the life I want... I know damn well it's my calling.  I feel it within me.  I know this is the path I am supposed to go down, I just quite literally have no earthly idea on how to ever make it happen!  RV's are NOT cheap... and generally speaking unless you get a used piece of shit with a ton of problems, you have to buy new.. and even then you need amazing credit to lease one... which I do NOT have... so the likeliness of this ever becoming a reality for me is slim to none.

I day-dream about living this life... I imagine just how amazing it would be to go buy an RV, stock it up, and hit the road... never looking back!  To be out on the open road, going places... seeing new things.. experiencing what life has to offer... the freedom that would come along with living that lifestyle.  For me? It's all about NATURE.  I love trees... I have ever since I was a little boy.  Some of my earliest memories are of trees.. just climbing them, loving being around them, and just how much I appreciated them in general.  That love for trees has only grown over time the older I've become.  Trees calm and soothe me.. just being around them relaxes me.. It's a feeling I've never really been able to fully explain to anyone.  I just get a feeling of being "home" when I am around them.

So yeah.. being able to have an RV and park it in a wooded area, having a campfire and just sitting out at night by the fire.. listening to it crackle and pop.. listening to the sounds of the night, and being around all those trees.. that is what Heaven on Earth is to me!  I think of how amazing it would be to just sit out at night under the stars... being AWAY from society and all the bullshit in life... feeling that calm.. that serene feeling... it would be incredible!  To sit out at night like that, then be able to go into my RV and relax before heading to bed.  Then waking up the next day.. making some coffee and sitting outside in the early morning listening to LIFE around me.. birds chirping, enjoying that cool crisp morning air... and sipping my coffee... starting my day like that everyday?  That is BLISS as far as I am concerned.

I used to talk to my Mom about how much I wanted this life.. hell, I even wanted to get an RV for her too! I would have happily taken her on the road with me... but God bless my Mother.. she knew it wouldn't happen in her time... one thing she said to me sticks with me though... she told me "I may not be able to go with you in this life, but you can always have me cremated and take me with you when i'm gone..." -- I did have her cremated when she died... and now more than ever, I want an RV so I can take her with me wherever I go... ONE DAY, MOMMA... ONE DAY!!  I haven't given up hope.  I just hope before I die... I can make this dream a reality.  Most people want a huge house, the white picket fence, and all that jazz... me? I just want an RV to call home.  Here's to wishful thinking that some miracle happens to where I can actually make this happen!

Completely torn...

As the title of this post suggests, I am completely torn... I really have no one to talk to anymore since my Mom died... she was always my pillar...my voice of reason... my light in the dark... she could always calm the storms in my head... I could talk to her about anything!  With her being gone now, there is such a massive void in my life... It sucks because no matter what I am dealing with I can no longer turn to her for advice... I know that's a huge part of why I am so mentally fucked up these days.. but it is what it is... there is literally nothing I can do about it.

The reason I am torn is because I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life... I've been with my current girlfriend for 8 years now...  The longest relationship I have ever had!  The problem is that things have not been the best between us.  We are most certainly not your average couple by any means... and that has caused a lot of strife in my life as a result.  We don't spend time together like most couples do.  Her idea of "spending time together" is sitting in the same room, both of us on our laptops with our backs to one another not even speaking...  She never wants to talk and goes out of her way to outright dodge serious topics.  If that wasn't bad enough, we haven't even had sex in years.  There is no intimacy or affection what so ever.  I'm the type of person that needs love and affection... I enjoy good conversation.. but that has been severely lacking for years.

I find myself being very lonely with her... but we've been through so much together... and I feel an obligation to her that I've never had with any of the other women i've ever been with.  Despite the lack of affection and intimacy, she sticks it out with me no matter how bad things get... and that's the main reason I don't just walk away... but lately I have been feeling like that isn't really enough.  When my Mom died... I was in a very dark place... cut off from the outside world and never getting my needs met.  I started to lose hope with life in general... but that's when a long time friend of mine stepped up and unlike EVERYONE ELSE in my life, showed me that she cared!

This friend of mine took me in!  She came and picked me up and got me away from my bad situation.  I've been living with her and her Mom for several months now.  Her Mom has even told me I can stay here as long as I want to.  I love it here because she talks to me all the time, she actually shows me that she cares, and I DON'T feel alone here!  Shes been a TRUE friend, she's helped me cope with my Mom being gone, and I fully believe I would not be here today if it wasn't for her.  She has given me hope.. something I haven't felt in a VERY long time.  Fact is, my life is better here... I have companionship, friendship, and love here.  I feel like I am actually a part of something here!  I honestly don't want to leave!  The problem is... I don't know how to deal with this because there is going to come a time sooner than later where I have to go back... and I don't want to. 😟

So yeah... While I have felt better being here with my friend... I know that I can't stay forever... so lately I have been more depressed because I feel like everything is coming to an end.. and before too long.. I'll be back with my girlfriend where I will go back to being alone... I think a lot of people would say "Well you're obviously happier with your friend, so break up with your girlfriend.  The choice is obvious!"  And while that might be the logical choice, it's easier said than done!  I love my girlfriend... I care about her.  My friend knows this, so it's not some huge secret. Despite how things are.. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend... which is the dilemma... Do I stay miserable and go back to my girlfriend, or do I stay here where I am happier?  This is why I am so torn...  This is one of those times I would give anything to talk to my Mom... she would know what to say.. she always gave the best advice.

But yeah... this is the Hell that is my life...

Reconciliation...

Not even really sure where to begin... Life has been rough for me for quite some time now.  It's the very reason why I haven't posted on here in awhile.  Losing my Mom back in June of 2017 was easily the most devastating thing I have ever had to go through in my life... I still have been struggling with the loss of my Mom... I miss her so much... and going through life without her has proven to be quite difficult.  I was pretty sure that I would never experience happiness again.

I was wrong to a certain extent... I recently reconnected with my Daughter, Meghan.  On November 16th 2017 I reached out to her in hopes that she would talk to me.  That was the day of her 18th Birthday.  Long story short, her Mother and I dated from 1997 to 2002.  After fighting for years... her and I decided to go our separate ways.  I was promised that I would be able to see my Daughter... but that would never come to pass.  She lied to be about being able to see her just as she did everything else... and that resulted in me never seeing or talking to my Daughter over all these many years.

For the first few years I tried to reach out but my ex cut me off at every turn.  She refused to send me pictures or tell me anything about how my Daughter was doing... Which was a painful situation to not just me, but also for the rest of my family.  As it turns out, Florida law is bullshit... because my ex and I never got married, I had no rights... but I sure as hell was ordered to pay child support.  Funny how that works out.  Can't see my kid, but I had to pay anyway.  That went on for quite some time until the day came that my ex contacted me and told me that the guy she was with wanted to adopt my Daughter and give her a good life.  She told me that he could provide for her and give her better health care (because the health care that was provided with child support was crap).  I honestly wanted her to have a good life.  I thought by signing my rights over to this guy would be a good thing for her, and I didn't have any rights to see my kid anyway so I did what I thought was best for her.

I assumed I would never get to see her anyway... I thought that either my ex would tell her a bunch of lies about me or that she wouldn't say anything at all... either way? I figured she would think her adopted Father was her "real" Dad.  Which putting my own feelings aside, was better for her in the long run.  I battled with not knowing my child for years... My Mom always told me that on her 18th Birthday that I needed to reach out to her and tell her about me and her family on MY side... so she could know she had another family that loved her... well.. as the years passed I always figured she'd be better off not knowing me and I had pretty much decided not to reach out to her when she turned 18... well.. my Mom always said she was going to reach out to her whether I did or not... sadly, as fate would have it.. she died a year and a half before Meghan turned 18 so she missed out on being able to do that... so in her memory I did it for her... I reached out to my Daughter.

As I mentioned earlier in this post, I contacted her on her 18th Birthday... I was so nervous... I didn't know what to expect... I wasn't sure if she would even respond... and at first? She didn't.  More than a month went by before I heard anything from her... but she finally wrote me... she wanted to see pictures from back in those days.. pics of me and my family with her as a baby... so I showed her and for awhile nothing more was said.. but then we started talking and at first it was pretty emotional.. I still don't have words to describe it... but I felt joy for the first time since my Mom passed... and I thanked her for that... we've sense spoke back and forth online and on the phone a few times.. but it's slacked off a bit... I don't know what to think most of the time... sometimes I think she wants nothing to do with me and other times I feel like she needs me.  All I know is that I told her I am here for her always and as long as I am still alive, she will always have me to turn to!

I'm not really sure where it's going to go from here.. but for now? At least I can say she knows who I am.  I really hope we develop a strong relationship with one another, but that's yet to be seen... For now?  It is what it is.  I'm just glad I have had the chance to talk to her.