Well... I created this blog as a way to just kind of get thoughts and feelings out so here goes... I generally tend to keep things bottled up on the inside because I realized a very long time ago that most people really don't give a fuck about how I feel, what hardships I'm going through, or what problems I am dealing with. Not to mention that you really can't trust most people anymore these days. In my experience, I have found that people will always and forever let you down. So I stopped confiding in people and just held it all in. I generally use music as an outlet.. it's been my therapy for most all of my life. It's the pillar I have always leaned on... my constant companion, and it's always there when I need it. But I have to admit... even with music, life for me has become very lonely over the years. Friends... or should I say "so called friends" have dropped like flies... generally be it due to turning on me, judging me, or not agreeing with me no matter what the topic may have been at the time... and we drift apart.
So many people that I considered friends have come and gone in my life over the years. It really boggles my mind when I stop to think about it. Even people that I was friends with since childhood ended up turning on me. But, everything happens for a reason I suppose. All I know is that I've been fucked over a lot in my life, and with all the bad shit that has gone on, it has changed me... I think we all change as we get older. Be it good or bad... maybe a bit of both. For me though, the way things have played out and especially with the way things are every day now? I've become somewhat of a bitter human being. Granted, at my core? I'm still a good guy. I always have been and I always will be, but let's face it.. the older I get, the more my eyes are opened. I was always so naive and trusting. I always went out of my way to give people the benefit of the doubt. I certainly don't do that anymore.
It's true what they say though.. with age comes wisdom. I'm 38 years old.. less than two years away from 40 and I can't help but think...where the fuck did all the time go? I swear... I remember being a kid.. playing Atari and Nintendo... then I blinked... and one day I woke up and I was in my late 30's. Time goes by entirely way too fucking fast! That's why people say you have to enjoy every day you have. That's definitely not always easy for me though... My days are so repetitive and stagnant... No matter where I end up living, the routine never changes because I have no finances to better my situation. Lack of money is by far the biggest problem in my life. It keeps me from bettering my life... it makes it so I can't have any hobbies because they cost money too. Small example? I used to play World of Warcraft all the time.. I played for over 13 years.. but my gaming computer died and I no longer have one. So that hobby was taken away from me and let's face it, gaming computers are expensive especially when you're poor and you can't afford to get a new one.
More examples... I used to play guitar ALL the time.. but due to lack of income, I wasn't able to replace my guitar amp when it died... so that hobby took a back seat and I haven't played in years now... just more and more being stripped away from me. I also want to get into photography but that takes a great deal of money... I'd also love to be a YouTuber and have my own channel... but again, that takes money for a good video camera and audio equipment so you get decent quality on your videos. It's something I aspire to do, but lack of money prevents that. And of course.. my biggest dream of all in life... to own an RV and live full time in it.. travel all over.. be around my beloved trees that I adore so much.. nature in general... I crave it more than anything else in this world.. but lack of money again prevents that from ever happening... I am ALWAYS held back because of not having income to do anything. It's depressing and beyond frustrating.
Look, I realize there is more to life than the quest for money...but the last 4 years of my life in particular have really opened my eyes to just how important money really is. Used to be? I never gave a fuck about money.. I always said love is all that matters in this world.. Hell, I even remember talking to my ex-girlfriend, Christine, and I asked her what was the most important thing to her.. she said "money" as to where I said "love" and at the time I thought she was insane... but love fades...so she was right all along. Without money? You can't live. You can't even get basic necessities like food or clothes... let alone have money for hobbies or "fun things". Not to mention always worrying about how bills are going to get paid. It's why I sit inside day after day after day just existing and banging my head against a wall trying to figure out how the fuck I am ever going to change my life. I'd like to think that maybe someday i'll get it right... but that is yet to be seen!
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