Wow... So I have finally broke down and decided to start my own online journal or blog if you will. I guess absolute sheer boredom has lead me to this. That, or the fact that I have been re-watching The Vampire Diaries again and seeing Elena and Stefan writing in their journals kind of planted that seed in my brain. So rather than write in a journal on paper, I figured I would go the digital route. That being said...Life has become very stagnant and repetitive for me over the last few years. If I bothered to elaborate in full detail I would probably be writing something akin to a Stephen King novel... so for now, I won't go down that rabbit hole. However, for the sake of actually using this webpage to get some shit off my shoulders, I will vent a little.
I've just had a lot on my mind for such a long time now. There are so many things I am unable to change in my life that I desperately want and need to change, but I don't know how. I've been beating my head against the same wall now for years and I continue to come up empty handed with no results other than more frustration. My biggest and most immediate problem in life is my horrible financial situation. It is the root of most of my problems. I have a lot of health issues that prevent me from holding down a steady job so I always have to rely on help from others, and I hate that way of life. I barely scrape by, worry is an every day part of my life, and things always tend to go from bad to worse with no sign of letting up... I could go into detail, but i'd be here all night elaborating.
There is just so much I want out of this life... so much that I want to do... but it all comes back to lack of finances on why I don't get to do any of it. I have such wonderful dreams that I so badly want to follow and make happen. For example, my biggest dream in life is to own an RV and travel... I want that freedom of always having your home with you and if you don't like where you are, simply drive away! Something new to see everyday... being able to walk on nature paths during the day and enjoy the trees around me, then sit out at night next to a camp fire and when I wanna crash, just get in the RV and pass out. That would be a wonderful life.. that is heaven on earth for me! I've always been fascinated by the RV lifestyle. That's really all I want out of life for the most part. I'd love to document my travels and everyday life on YouTube like many of the RV guys I watch on YouTube. I'd love to do something like that, but again... lack of money prevents that from ever happening.
It costs massive amounts of money to buy an RV and be able to keep it fueled up for travel, pay for repairs when it needs it, and stock it with food and supplies. I see these guys on YouTube just living it up and it has always baffled me how they do it. I know some of the more popular ones make a living off of YouTube...but others? I have no idea how they do it. I wish I did because I'd be living that life right now if I knew how! Then there are also hobbies I want to get back into that I had to give up due to lack of finances... photography, playing guitar, smoking tobacco pipes, having a gaming computer so I can play World of Warcraft again... just having things to do to break up the monotony of my shitty life. I just exist everyday in a room.. I barely go outside anymore. I have no local friends either, so life gets very lonely and repetitive to say the least. Hobbies would make it easier to deal with, but again...lack of finances keeps me from even having hobbies.
I just miss waking up and feeling like "hey, life is good". Most days I just dread waking up because the day will just consist of the same old routine... sitting here watching YouTube or scrolling aimlessly through Facebook and Tumblr. Everything is so routine... I miss having a life.. I miss being able to do things.. getting out and enjoying life. But it ALWAYS comes back to lack of income... which is what this rant is pretty much about. Most people are quick to say "Just make it happen!" or "Only you can change it!"... and therein lies the problem... the brick wall I have been beating my head against for the last few years. I don't know how to make change happen... which is why I am stuck in the rut I have been in for such a long time. Ahh well... things will just continue to go on as they have and nothing will change. I realized a long time ago not everyone gets to have a good life. So this brings me to the end of my rant. I could keep going... I haven't said nearly everything that has been on my mind, but as I stated at the beginning of this post, it would end up turning into a Stephen King novel if I went down that road...so I will end this for now.
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