Random thoughts...

Well... I created this blog as a way to just kind of get thoughts and feelings out so here goes... I generally tend to keep things bottled up on the inside because I realized a very long time ago that most people really don't give a fuck about how I feel, what hardships I'm going through, or what problems I am dealing with.  Not to mention that you really can't trust most people anymore these days.  In my experience, I have found that people will always and forever let you down.  So I stopped confiding in people and just held it all in.  I generally use music as an outlet.. it's been my therapy for most all of my life.  It's the pillar I have always leaned on... my constant companion, and it's always there when I need it.  But I have to admit... even with music, life for me has become very lonely over the years.  Friends... or should I say "so called friends" have dropped like flies... generally be it due to turning on me, judging me, or not agreeing with me no matter what the topic may have been at the time... and we drift apart.

So many people that I considered friends have come and gone in my life over the years.  It really boggles my mind when I stop to think about it.  Even people that I was friends with since childhood ended up turning on me.  But, everything happens for a reason I suppose.  All I know is that I've been fucked over a lot in my life, and with all the bad shit that has gone on, it has changed me... I think we all change as we get older.  Be it good or bad... maybe a bit of both.  For me though, the way things have played out and especially with the way things are every day now? I've become somewhat of a bitter human being.  Granted, at my core? I'm still a good guy.  I always have been and I always will be, but let's face it.. the older I get, the more my eyes are opened.  I was always so naive and trusting.  I always went out of my way to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I certainly don't do that anymore.

It's true what they say though.. with age comes wisdom.  I'm 38 years old.. less than two years away from 40 and I can't help but think...where the fuck did all the time go?  I swear... I remember being a kid.. playing Atari and Nintendo... then I blinked... and one day I woke up and I was in my late 30's.  Time goes by entirely way too fucking fast!  That's why people say you have to enjoy every day you have.  That's definitely not always easy for me though... My days are so repetitive and stagnant... No matter where I end up living, the routine never changes because I have no finances to better my situation.  Lack of money is by far the biggest problem in my life.  It keeps me from bettering my life... it makes it so I can't have any hobbies because they cost money too.  Small example?  I used to play World of Warcraft all the time.. I played for over 13 years.. but my gaming computer died and I no longer have one. So that hobby was taken away from me and let's face it, gaming computers are expensive especially when you're poor and you can't afford to get a new one.

More examples... I used to play guitar ALL the time.. but due to lack of income, I wasn't able to replace my guitar amp when it died... so that hobby took a back seat and I haven't played in years now... just more and more being stripped away from me.  I also want to get into photography but that takes a great deal of money... I'd also love to be a YouTuber and have my own channel... but again, that takes money for a good video camera and audio equipment so you get decent quality on your videos.  It's something I aspire to do, but lack of money prevents that.  And of course.. my biggest dream of all in life... to own an RV and live full time in it.. travel all over.. be around my beloved trees that I adore so much.. nature in general... I crave it more than anything else in this world.. but lack of money again prevents that from ever happening... I am ALWAYS held back because of not having income to do anything. It's depressing and beyond frustrating.

Look, I realize there is more to life than the quest for money...but the last 4 years of my life in particular have really opened my eyes to just how important money really is.  Used to be?  I never gave a fuck about money.. I always said love is all that matters in this world.. Hell, I even remember talking to my ex-girlfriend, Christine, and I asked her what was the most important thing to her.. she said "money" as to where I said "love" and at the time I thought she was insane... but love fades...so she was right all along.  Without money?  You can't live.  You can't even get basic necessities like food or clothes... let alone have money for hobbies or "fun things". Not to mention always worrying about how bills are going to get paid.  It's why I sit inside day after day after day just existing and banging my head against a wall trying to figure out how the fuck I am ever going to change my life. I'd like to think that maybe someday i'll get it right... but that is yet to be seen!

My next pipe purchase.

This is the Savinelli Tundra (320 EX).  It is the next pipe I want to add to my small collection of pipes that I own. I've smoked tobacco pipes off and on since 1998.  I don't do it as much as I used to due to lack of funds.  Being a pipe smoker, you need to be able to afford the tobacco and other pipe supplies you need to enjoy the hobby on a regular basis.  Not to mention.. the money you need to buy more pipes, much like this very pipe I want!  Whenever I can afford to make another pipe purchase, and as long as it's still for sale when that day happens, this will be my next pipe.

My first entry...

Wow... So I have finally broke down and decided to start my own online journal or blog if you will. I guess absolute sheer boredom has lead me to this.  That, or the fact that I have been re-watching The Vampire Diaries again and seeing Elena and Stefan writing in their journals kind of planted that seed in my brain.  So rather than write in a journal on paper, I figured I would go the digital route.  That being said...Life has become very stagnant and repetitive for me over the last few years.  If I bothered to elaborate in full detail I would probably be writing something akin to a Stephen King novel... so for now, I won't go down that rabbit hole. However, for the sake of actually using this webpage to get some shit off my shoulders, I will vent a little.

I've just had a lot on my mind for such a long time now. There are so many things I am unable to change in my life that I desperately want and need to change, but I don't know how.  I've been beating my head against the same wall now for years and I continue to come up empty handed with no results other than more frustration.  My biggest and most immediate problem in life is my horrible financial situation.  It is the root of most of my problems. I have a lot of health issues that prevent me from holding down a steady job so I always have to rely on help from others, and I hate that way of life.  I barely scrape by, worry is an every day part of my life, and things always tend to go from bad to worse with no sign of letting up... I could go into detail, but i'd be here all night elaborating.

There is just so much I want out of this life... so much that I want to do... but it all comes back to lack of finances on why I don't get to do any of it.  I have such wonderful dreams that I so badly want to follow and make happen.  For example, my biggest dream in life is to own an RV and travel... I want that freedom of always having your home with you and if you don't like where you are, simply drive away!  Something new to see everyday... being able to walk on nature paths during the day and enjoy the trees around me, then sit out at night next to a camp fire and when I wanna crash, just get in the RV and pass out.  That would be a wonderful life.. that is heaven on earth for me!  I've always been fascinated by the RV lifestyle.  That's really all I want out of life for the most part.  I'd love to document my travels and everyday life on YouTube like many of the RV guys I watch on YouTube. I'd love to do something like that, but again... lack of money prevents that from ever happening.

It costs massive amounts of money to buy an RV and be able to keep it fueled up for travel, pay for repairs when it needs it, and stock it with food and supplies.  I see these guys on YouTube just living it up and it has always baffled me how they do it. I know some of the more popular ones make a living off of YouTube...but others? I have no idea how they do it. I wish I did because I'd be living that life right now if I knew how!  Then there are also hobbies I want to get back into that I had to give up due to lack of finances... photography, playing guitar, smoking tobacco pipes, having a gaming computer so I can play World of Warcraft again... just having things to do to break up the monotony of my shitty life.  I just exist everyday in a room.. I barely go outside anymore.  I have no local friends either, so life gets very lonely and repetitive to say the least. Hobbies would make it easier to deal with, but again...lack of finances keeps me from even having hobbies.

I just miss waking up and feeling like "hey, life is good".  Most days I just dread waking up because the day will just consist of the same old routine... sitting here watching YouTube or scrolling aimlessly through Facebook and Tumblr.  Everything is so routine... I miss having a life.. I miss being able to do things.. getting out and enjoying life.  But it ALWAYS comes back to lack of income... which is what this rant is pretty much about.  Most people are quick to say "Just make it happen!" or "Only you can change it!"... and therein lies the problem... the brick wall I have been beating my head against for the last few years.  I don't know how to make change happen... which is why I am stuck in the rut I have been in for such a long time.  Ahh well... things will just continue to go on as they have and nothing will change.  I realized a long time ago not everyone gets to have a good life.  So this brings me to the end of my rant.  I could keep going... I haven't said nearly everything that has been on my mind, but as I stated at the beginning of this post, it would end up turning into a Stephen King novel if I went down that road...so I will end this for now.