It can't rain all the time... can it?

I find myself lost in thought most of the time these days. It's generally always me just thinking about the past, how life used to be. That or missing people in my life that have died or just left for one reason or another. So many people have come and gone... Now days? It's just me. The problem with that is I have no real life to speak of anymore. Due to my health problems I just don't get out of the house much anymore. I have no friends or family around... It's literally just me day in and day out so it's no wonder I'm always in my own head. All too often I think what's the point of life? I have no money to to change or better my situation in life. I can't live out the dreams I have in life because they all center around needing money to make those things happen. Lack of income has been my biggest problem in life for a really long time now. I can't work because of all the health problems I have and therefor I can't obtain an income to get things I both need and want. So I stay stuck in the same place living out the same routine day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year... I keep thinking something has to change, but the reality of the situation is... it never will. I feel like most of the time I'm just waiting around to die.

There is so much I wanted to do in life that I just can't seem to make happen because everything I want to do costs money. My biggest dream in life is to buy an RV, set up an alarm system with cameras for safety, and install a solar system so I can be off grid and still have power. Just hit the road and be able to be out among nature and see all the beautiful scenery there is to see. I want to be out in nature and be able to go where I want when I want. I want to buy camera equipment and start a YouTube channel and document my travels. I could go visit the few family members I have left... would be nice to go hang out with my Brother... go see my Uncle and Cousin... and maybe go hang out with my Daughter. That is, if she'd even want to see me. We don't really keep in touch anymore. Still, would be nice to see family again... I miss them. Being able to have an RV and travel is the one thing that I want most out of life but it costs too much money! Even if I had an RV, I still don't have a way to have an income that would sustain that lifestyle so it really is just a pipedream. That's all it will ever be as far as I can tell. I was born poor, been poor all my life, and i'm pretty damn sure I'll die poor. I just hate that everything revolves around money. I hate that I can't be out doing what I want to do in life because I lack the money to make it happen.

I don't know... I'm thankful I have a roof over my head, I know that life could ALWAYS be worse. I always try to remember that fact. I just wish I could do something more with what time I have left on this Earth. I just wanted more out of life, ya know? I thought for sure I'd be married by now.. but I never could get a woman to stick around. They always cheated, always made life difficult, always wanted to fighht about everything, always lied and manipulated me... I put up with a lot shit I never should have and what do I have to show for it? Not a damn thing... I've just become so disconnected and withdrawn, the idea of even dating again almost sends me into panic mode. When it comes to having a significant other I never had the love of a good woman. I have no idea what it's like to really be loved.

The only women that ever really loved me were family members. My Mom and Grandma, the best women I ever knew! I hate that I lost them both in the same year... 2017 was a rough fucking year... they literally died 5 months apart... I don't think I'll ever really get over that. They were such a HUGE part of my life... It's been rough going on without them. That's another thing that keeps me down and out most of the time... I know life goes on and you have to move on.. but I tell ya... that's not easy for me. This is all the more reason why I think back to the past so much... all my happy memories are in the past! I'm so thankful I had a wonderful Mom and Grandma... at least through them I knew what real love was... I'll always be thankful that I had them in my life, I just wish they were still here. Anyway, I don't even really know why I'm writing this other than the fact to jot my thoughts and feelings down. This place is basically just a journal for me. I'm pretty sure no one else reads my posts. So I'm basically talking to myself... lol. Gotta love that, eh? Well, I think I've said all I really feel like saying. Life is what it is... maybe in another life I'll get it right...