Goodbye October!

So long... Hope to see you next year!

Hello October!

My favorite month of the year has arrived and I'm thankful I'm still around to see another October. While I don't get out much anymore, I still think back to when I used to go out to Lake of the Woods with my Mom in the Fall and we'd just hang out together taking in all the beauty of the leaves changing colors. I miss those times.. I miss my Mother.. while they're bittersweet, I'm glad I at least have those memories to think back on...

First day of Fall.

It's the first day of Fall, my favorite season. Best time of the year!

Remembering 9/11...

22 years ago today... It's hard to believe so many years have come and gone. To the ones we lost on this day all those years ago, Rest in peace... You may be gone, but you are never forgotten!

It can't rain all the time... can it?

I find myself lost in thought most of the time these days. It's generally always me just thinking about the past, how life used to be. That or missing people in my life that have died or just left for one reason or another. So many people have come and gone... Now days? It's just me. The problem with that is I have no real life to speak of anymore. Due to my health problems I just don't get out of the house much anymore. I have no friends or family around... It's literally just me day in and day out so it's no wonder I'm always in my own head. All too often I think what's the point of life? I have no money to to change or better my situation in life. I can't live out the dreams I have in life because they all center around needing money to make those things happen. Lack of income has been my biggest problem in life for a really long time now. I can't work because of all the health problems I have and therefor I can't obtain an income to get things I both need and want. So I stay stuck in the same place living out the same routine day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year... I keep thinking something has to change, but the reality of the situation is... it never will. I feel like most of the time I'm just waiting around to die.

There is so much I wanted to do in life that I just can't seem to make happen because everything I want to do costs money. My biggest dream in life is to buy an RV, set up an alarm system with cameras for safety, and install a solar system so I can be off grid and still have power. Just hit the road and be able to be out among nature and see all the beautiful scenery there is to see. I want to be out in nature and be able to go where I want when I want. I want to buy camera equipment and start a YouTube channel and document my travels. I could go visit the few family members I have left... would be nice to go hang out with my Brother... go see my Uncle and Cousin... and maybe go hang out with my Daughter. That is, if she'd even want to see me. We don't really keep in touch anymore. Still, would be nice to see family again... I miss them. Being able to have an RV and travel is the one thing that I want most out of life but it costs too much money! Even if I had an RV, I still don't have a way to have an income that would sustain that lifestyle so it really is just a pipedream. That's all it will ever be as far as I can tell. I was born poor, been poor all my life, and i'm pretty damn sure I'll die poor. I just hate that everything revolves around money. I hate that I can't be out doing what I want to do in life because I lack the money to make it happen.

I don't know... I'm thankful I have a roof over my head, I know that life could ALWAYS be worse. I always try to remember that fact. I just wish I could do something more with what time I have left on this Earth. I just wanted more out of life, ya know? I thought for sure I'd be married by now.. but I never could get a woman to stick around. They always cheated, always made life difficult, always wanted to fighht about everything, always lied and manipulated me... I put up with a lot shit I never should have and what do I have to show for it? Not a damn thing... I've just become so disconnected and withdrawn, the idea of even dating again almost sends me into panic mode. When it comes to having a significant other I never had the love of a good woman. I have no idea what it's like to really be loved.

The only women that ever really loved me were family members. My Mom and Grandma, the best women I ever knew! I hate that I lost them both in the same year... 2017 was a rough fucking year... they literally died 5 months apart... I don't think I'll ever really get over that. They were such a HUGE part of my life... It's been rough going on without them. That's another thing that keeps me down and out most of the time... I know life goes on and you have to move on.. but I tell ya... that's not easy for me. This is all the more reason why I think back to the past so much... all my happy memories are in the past! I'm so thankful I had a wonderful Mom and Grandma... at least through them I knew what real love was... I'll always be thankful that I had them in my life, I just wish they were still here. Anyway, I don't even really know why I'm writing this other than the fact to jot my thoughts and feelings down. This place is basically just a journal for me. I'm pretty sure no one else reads my posts. So I'm basically talking to myself... lol. Gotta love that, eh? Well, I think I've said all I really feel like saying. Life is what it is... maybe in another life I'll get it right...

Gone but never forgotten...

Hey Momma... The day of the year that brings me the most pain has come again. You've been gone for six years now... time just keeps passing by and the pain of you being gone remains. I try my best to remember the good times but it's bittersweet. Sometimes I smile or even chuckle thinking back to the wonderful moments we got to spend together, but it always ends with me tearing up because those moments are gone forever... no more new moments to be had. I tell ya Momma, I would truly give anything just to talk to you on the phone and hear your voice again. There was no one on this planet that understood me the way you did. Your words were always so soothing to me especially if I was down and out. You always had a way with words, you knew just what to say to comfort me no matter what I was going through. Even when we would simply reminisce about the past or tell each other how we've been doing since the last time we spoke, I always treasured our talks... they meant the world to me. My favorite talks with you were the times when we were able to get together and we'd often times go get our Dunkin Donuts caramel mocha iced coffees then go to a park and we'd just sit and talks for hours. I don't know if you ever fully knew just how much those times with you meant to me... Thank you for being the best Mom any kid could ever ask for... I can never really thank you enough for all the times you were there for me throughout my life... The only thing I was ever completely sure of was that you loved me. I am so thankful that I got to have you as my Mother and my best friend. The bond we shared was truly a gift, one I will for the rest of my life be thankful for. I miss you more than you will ever truly know... Rest easy, Momma... I love you... ❤

Happy Mother's Day...

Hey Momma... I always used to look forward to this day because it meant that I got to celebrate you being my wonderful Mother. Since you've been gone, this day has become one of the hardest days of the year for me because it hurts that you're not here anymore... You left a really big hole in my heart the day you left this world. It's been hard going on without you... It doesn't feel right, but then I guess it never will. All too often I find myself thinking back on times when you were still here, you left me with a lot of wonderful memories! It really was a gift and a privilege being your Son. I will always be thankful that I had you as both my Mom and my best friend. You were truly the most loving and caring person I have ever known. Thank you for giving me life, loving me, being there for me, and always having my back! I miss you more than you will ever truly know... Happy Mother's Day, Momma... I love you. ❤

New Year's Resolutions!

This seems like a reasonable list to me!