This is going to be a bit of a long one so bear with me... Time is quickly approaching on 3 years of my Mom being gone and in that time I have gone through horrible depression. It's been an ongoing thing that never really seems to go away and as such, I have pretty much ceased living any kind of life. I've stopped being an active part of society, I don't really venture out at all except on a rare occasion, I avoid people like the plague, and I barely even talk to anyone anymore. I stick pretty much to myself most of the time and because of that I have plenty of time to think about things. Recently, the wheels in my head have begun to turn... I have been putting a lot of serious thought into what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can continue to sit here and rot day after day or I can put foot to ass and make some much needed overdue changes and try to do something with my life! It honestly brings to mind one of my favorite quotes from Gandalf when he said:
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us..."
He's right... The choice is up to me, no one else is going to fix my life for me! For a long time now I have just felt so uninspired and have had absolutely no energy or motivation to want to do anything with my life. However, I got inspired recently by an actor that I have always liked, his name is Ethan Suplee. I found out that he has been on a diet and working out everyday for quite some time now and has completely transformed his life. He used to weigh 530 lbs at his heaviest but now weighs roughly 220 lbs and is completely jacked! Needless to say, It lit a spark within me! Something I have not felt in a really LONG time. I felt like "Wow.. if he can do it, it might actually be possible to do this!" Lets face it, I'm a big dude.. embarrassingly overweight. I pretty much just gave up on myself and stopped caring... and as such, weight has piled on over the years. You would think that losing BOTH my Mom and Grandpa to congestive heart failure would have been enough to light a fire under my ass to make a change.. but nope! I basically gave up and depression took over...
It's something I have battled for most of my life, it just so happened to get worse when I lost my Mom... I know deep down she wouldn't want to see me like this. She would want me to try to make a change and I know i'm just at the beginning stages.. but I have been thinking about this for awhile now. The _WANT_ to change is most definitely there... and it starts with DIET. I want to figure out a meal plan. I don't really know how to do this.. but I was thinking maybe some kind of health smoothie for breakfast, a salad of some type for lunch, and then maybe do those planned out meals where you prep food for the week and split it up into containers that you warm up everyday. I don't know exactly yet how I am going to do it, but at least I have a game plan! I figure at least wanting to do this and really putting some serious thought into it is a start... and that's a good thing! Once I get the diet part worked out I can then start off by walking a little each day and increase how far I go everyday and hopefully get to a point where I don't feel like I'm gonna keel over anymore! I also want to get a bike so I can get back into riding again! I used to love riding a bike when I was a kid. Having a bike would definitely inspire me to get up off my ass, get outside, and go for a ride!
If I can make all that happen, I want to start lifting weights too. Ethan has REALLY inspired me! So much so that if I can pull all of this off successfully, I have ideas floating around in my head to document my journey on YouTube. I don't have the fancy equipment that most YouTubers have, but I have a cellphone and that would do for now.. EVENTUALLY I want to go all out and really do something with this... tell MY story.. so that maybe I can inspire people the way Ethan has inspired me! This really all ties into my LIFE LONG goal and dream of wanting to own an RV so I can travel and be able to document my journey on YouTube. Much in the same way that Eric Jacobs (Nomadic Fanatic) and Mike O'Connor (Living Free) do. They're the RV guys that I've been watching for YEARS. I have always wanted to do what they do. So maybe with any luck one day all of this will lead to that.
I used to talk to my Mom about my dream of owning an RV and traveling. I told her I always wished that I could take her with me on my travels... but God bless my Mother, she knew it wouldn't happen in her time... She told me: "I tell ya what Son... I may not be able to go with you in this life, but you have me cremated and take me with you when I'm gone... I'll be there with you in spirit!" I tell ya this... I fully intend to do that! I truly feel it in my heart and soul that this is my calling. It's something I NEED to do. I've wanted to ever since I was a little kid. The seed was planted all those many years ago when I used to go to Kickapoo State Park with my Grandpa in his RV. I was fascinated by it and that fascination has never left me! I know I am getting way ahead of myself, I just truly feel that if I can do the things necessary to change my life in a positive way that maybe someday I can make this dream become a reality.. but before any of that can happen, I have to rise up and be the change that I so desperately need in my life!
So that's about it. I just felt like I would share this with anyone that cares to know what has been going on in my head... I really have Ethan Suplee to thank for lighting this spark within me... He has sparked the ember and now I need to keep it lit by actually doing something rather than just talking about it. I have a long battle ahead of me, but I'm really hoping that I find the inner strength to make a change! If I may ask... to those of you that pray, please send some prayers my way... I definitely could use all the help I can get. I just hope the big guy upstairs hasn't given up on me yet...
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..."
